Tribute to B

your name was scrawled over
in that book

I blew the dust away

the pages turned
and you were gone

The chase and the pursuit

I finally ended all 6 camps. Man that took all the strength and effort out of me, God bless me for whatever crazy impulse it was that make me signed up. I'm glad for the opportunity given because I was someone who was so afraid of trying to be OGL back when I was in junior college. I was afraid i would have panic attack, i was afraid of breaking down, of being a liability rather than an asset to help boost the og. I did became an ogl in the end, i did break down, but i learn from it. But man, even i was surprised i survived all 6.
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My first prep camp was fac. Man, that one was fun. Even though it wasn't full strength, I was happy because we were always enthu, we cared for each other, we had our htht, and we always get scolded for excluding ourselves out. We had the most liability which always make our body count the lowest among the rest of the ogs, but i guess it was because of that, that we grew closer to other fac members as well. From that camp, all I could do was look forward to the actual camp. I wasn't feeling well then so I had a minor panic attack then which I didn't exactly tell anyone about.
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Second prep camp was scamp. Ohmygosh, that was awkward. I wasn't participative in it at all, bella was pulled out of camp. All i could feel was loneliness seeping in. It didn't help that I had relationship problems to handle with. I remember the nights where I sleep damn late and I just excluded myself from all the night sessions, also because i wasn't interested in riddles and puzzles. I was glad though that at the very least,  I had someone who looked out for me.
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Third camp was life science. That camp was hilarious, because my house had the most number of people, that they make us play against each other in the same house. I like the environment there cause we were so small, we could all go for supper or have our htht sessions, but man it was freezing cold. I hated it so much, I think i swore to find somewhere else to sleep for actual camp for scamp. That camp i found out one of my friends that i made then was gonna leave, it took me all the strength it could to not cry, i hated the idea of leaving, i hated being so affected by it and that was when i realized I'm still pretty much emotional.
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Fourth camp was scamp. Things were still pretty awkward and i guess having your friend's ex boyfriend there didnt make matters any better. The guys look out for me and make sure that no matter what I was never left alone with him, so for that I was thankful. I hated the first two days because I couldn't talk to one of my close friends cause he was a fake freshie so I legit had no one to turn to when we all went to sleep. But i was grateful that I made a bunch of friends outside and ended up having a mini clique. Oh my gosh, the reason we got together was so hilarious, not to mention how slow i was in realizing that one of them was actually the person sleeping next to me the whole time! I bonded more with the freshies than the seniors, and i was so taken aback by how lupsup the girls were, ohmytian, they ended up explaining some of the stuff to me. The camp was such a turbulent one, where there were tension between my ogl and i. There were tension between my friend, my seniors, me and a camper. It was mytian, drama and more drama.  The last night i just cried, cause i never expected myself to make such an impact to the freshies, I remember people thanking me for things I dont even remember anymore. I was just so happy for all the things that I learnt from there and the friends that I have made.
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Fifth camp was obviously something I had looked forward to ever since the seniors have our meetup at st. games. I love the cheers that we made, but I love our og more. They were the loveliest bunch ever, seeing them slowly opening up more and more. I love our htht sessions, all of them. Even those we had during meal time where we make cold jokes, riddles to ghost stories. But burning bridges was bad, and that night the seniors all went back feeling so guilty. I'm glad that we managed to build bridges and make them more bonded with each other. I'm so touched when they offered to buy supper for us, and even ask another og to do the same. I'm so damn proud of them for their skit and speech, for their active participation even when we are all dying. Because there were choir girls inside, we always end up singing, i'm grateful for those moments too where I started feeling more cared for, cause that camp, i burnt out. I started having flu, having fever and I was just feeling terrible, also because i was confronted with issues and i didn't know who to turn to. Endless blaming on my part and how I just had to put a front, I think i just stayed out that night at the playground, cause I was just upset. But that was my own end, this og has carved a special place in my heart and became my bias which make it hard for me to move on to my next camp without feeling the hangover
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sixth camp was my last camp, i felt guilty for always counting down the days to the last day because i was just so tired. I remember the days where i just spent sleeping, anywhere possible. I am thankful for such an enthusiastic og. I was so shocked on the first day when they were so loud doing their first cheer, it was easy to talk to them because there were people with scamp experience. But i still miss my previous og sorely and kept comparing them. With that guilt trip, I did do more effort on my part to bond them and I guess they felt that too cause they were always zi high. I'm damn proud of them for always cheering and being craycray cause they taught me how, it doesnt matter whether you win or not, it's all about the fun. They weren't the most bonded but they are definitely the craziest. So i have my share of face being painted or just being teased like crazy, I was surprised when this lovely bunch surprised me and my seniors with cupcakes one night because they felt bad that we kept treating them. And if that was not enough, during the last day, they called into the radio station to dedicate songs to us, and even to the last point, they would cheer whenever they take photographs. The seniors and I all felt like superstars with their fangirling. I'm proud to be their ogl, to be able to lead them, to be able to care for them and the committee was so damn impressed by us that even though we didnt win best og, they created another prize for us because we were just that good. Just felt so thankful for them.
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I settled my problems with each and every camp in the end. The memories carved will always stay and I couldn't be more sad that my camps have all ended. I love each moment, even those screwed up ones. I couldn't say I was happy all the way but I definitely learn and grew a lot more during this phase than i did during my first year in uni. Ah the hangover effect is still here, but there are always outings to look forward to. And ohmytian, all three og are so crazy about meeting, i think we are already planning our second/third outing already. HAHAHA.

Blessed by you guys!

This is what I want to do with you

This was inspired by Waylon Lewis
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This is what I want to do with you. I want to cuddle up with you, wrapped in blanket, on those rainy thunderstorm nights. I want to tell you of my fear of thunder and hear you share your fears too. And we will pass the night, sharing each other's lives. It doesn't have to be all about sad mopey stories, even the funny ones too. Watching your eyes crinkle and your nose wrinkle in disgust as you share that embarrassing moment you swore never to tell anyone. And when we are tired, we will lay in bed, asleep. We will wake when we feel like it, we will dress up if we want to. If not, the bed we shall lay.

This isn't about you compromising to make time for me. This is about being comfortable. If you had things to run, I understand. Because this is what I want to do with you but this may just be a conjuring of my imagination which I will never say out loud.

But this is what I want to do with you. I want to spend the day with you in a small coffee cafe. Drinking that bitter drink, and perhaps we will play a game or two. Or we will get that sinful chocolate cake that our diet plans had told us not to take. But this is what we will do, on that particular afternoon. Maybe we will walk around the mall, making funny faces at the mirror, or walk into clothing stores, where the prices will burn holes in our pockets. There we will go sighing, of how it would be nice to be rich, so we can afford the things we want, and I would retort back saying, that some of things in life are not measured in money, but are felt with your heart. But you would snort, and tell me I'm a hopeless romantic, and perhaps I am. There we will go, to the fast food chain, to fill our bottomless stomach with all the grease and carbohydrates. For dessert, will be that cheap vanilla ice cream cone where you will cheekily swiped it on my nose and I will probably do the same. There we will sigh and that perhaps will be the day. No mention of what's going on with each other's life but just enjoying each other's company.

But this isn't compulsory, there may never come such a day. But that is just us, being us. Without a thought of worry of what's going to happen next. But i understand, reality often brings us those worries that cling onto us, but this is fantasy, of what i will do with you.

And if you don't like it, it's fine by me too. Because this isn't about dating, this isn't about getting into a relationship. It's just about knowing you and me sharing about myself too. Perhaps it will seem daunting, and that's perfectly okay too. This is what I want to do with you, but this may not be what you want to do with me.

The strongest survive, the weakest get eliminated.

Yet, it is still such a hard pill to swallow. We are never born with the equal traits or equal rights and somehow it always seem like others struggle more than others. The world is both a frightful and a beautiful place to live in. To continue struggling in our existence is perhaps what we are all doing. Yet when one drops out of the race, is it truly a bad thing?

The boundary of strength and weak seem to blur whenever I think of you. You had this burst of joy in you yet you also crash without a slightest warning. I think of last year, I think of the times I went over to your house, listening to you rant about problems. I probably went on drinking spree with you as well, but I could never get over how protective I was of you that well... pretty much got into quite a few arguments with my ex cause of you because I believe then, that I didnt want you to walk down my path. But as much as I try, the more helpless I got at trying, the more pathetic my attempts to reach you feel.

Had I try enough? I ask myself. Would things have went down the same path if I had try harder?

I wonder will my silent apologies of not being good enough reach you?

Change

A long time ago, I used to hate that word. It seems so finite and permanent, at the age where I grew up with tons of drama, I never understood why people change. A part of me had held a grudge against that I guess. I dislike myself for feeling so much last time, for always being hurt and I never knew where to go when I'm hurt. Slowly, bit by bit, the forms of release grew more and more drastic. Looking back then, I wonder whether I will still have taken the same route had it not for the choices and changes I have made.

Then came a time where I desperately wanted to change. It seems that any part of me was not good enough, or that I couldn't measure up to anything. I wanted to change my look, change my outlook, change my feelings, possibly everything that makes me.. well me. And that period of time was when I kept asking, did i change? Will I change? Hoping that somehow by changing myself, I would be happier.  Wronggg.

Admitting I held grudges was this huge revelation in me. I always thought that perhaps my base nature was never to care for people, that I do what I can because I want people to like me, or that my intentions were not out of good will that somehow I still want some reciprocation back. And I hated how ugly that makes me feel about myself. I held grudges with people that have changed, that have moved on and probably felt that they left me behind in the pursuit of something better. It seemed childish, but I blamed myself a lot when people leave. I blamed myself for not being good enough or being such a mess or that I am too much to handle for people, that they took the easier path and left. It's not to say they didnt try but I guess all along, I just felt hurt. A part of me just never come to terms with whatever that has happened to me, and it was such a bitter pill to swallow from all the times i ran away from my emotions. Effectively shutting out all my inner thoughts and feelings, I was just left with a default retard smile and when things get too much, I just end up lashing up at the people I care and love, and seeing them hurt. just makes me wanna stop talking to people anymore.

With such a state, I find it impossible to love myself. That I have to somewhat punish myself for my existence or something just anything to redeem the pain and guilt I felt towards people. It became so easy to hurt myself and slowly, I gave up on taking care of myself. It's easy to fall into depression, to fall into this deep pit of nothingness, where all I do is stare into space and simply.. just exist. The day and night go by, it didnt matter whether I was awake or sleeping, that numbness felt the same. Of course, with all that thrash treatment I did to myself, I fell sick so frequently, I collapsed so many times.. sometimes I forget all that. of how much I have been through to the me standing here today.

While I still grapple with self love, I learn a lot through the relationships I had been in. Perhaps one of the greatest thing I learn was that I was never someone who was afraid to love, to care... I simply do in my own way. And it never stop. I learn too, that even when two people like each other, they may simply never work out. Thing about relationships and love was that we complicate things.. People start having expectations at the same time they strip down the skin which they need to impress the significant one and go back to their comfortable self. Which was pretty much what happened to me, I grew lazy, I grew lazy in the way I forgot to thank them for their presence in my life, I grew lazy by ignoring the stuff that they did right and criticise what they did wrong, I grew lazy by being expectant of others to be nice to me while I was still bitchy to them.

Perhaps it was all that, that I realize how much I need to take a breather and realize I'm still human too. As much as I would run away from my problems, there is a point where things are going to catch up with me. That goes for family, friends, church, results, relationship and the list go on.

Either way, I remember this phrase in this anime I was watching a long time ago. Struggle, even if it is tough, and when everything seems to go wrong, struggle then. Because struggling is your way of telling the world you havent given up yet and you are still pretty much willing to fight.

change is inevitable and is the only constant

It was hearing every goodbye ever said to me—said all at once

This was inspired by blossomfully

I dont think we started out thinking we would fall. No, we just do. Whether it was a string of fate that tie us together or just mere coincidence. We were there, happy. But that time has past

But that's not how i want you to remember it.

I want you to remember the random text messages that were sent and how the most ridiculous of stuff could put a smile on your face. Remember me laughing at your corny jokes, even the stupid ones. Especially the stupid ones. Remember how i refuse to back down from my own arguments even when they don't make sense, how insane that drove you. Remember me, the impulsive me who did brash things just for that fleeting moment of adrenaline. Remember me, scared. Remember my fear of thunder and how I thought cupping my ears would make them go away. Remember me, closed off from the world, delicate and fragile, as if a slightest touch would break me.

Remember me being sassy, and all the eye rolling I did whenever we had those moments of bitchiness. Remember that triumph smile you had when you beat my high scores. Remember the stubbornness in us where we refuse to give in as we wrestled our ways through. Remember all the songs we sang and the words that keep spinning even when the night has turn to dawn. Remember the fear of forgetting and the desperation to remember. Remember hoping, remember dreaming. If there is only consolation, I had the same path as well, with you. 

when it all boils down, I dont wish for you to remember how it ends. 

Remember the beginning, remember the first time you knew.

i woke to nightmares again. This will probably be the nth time this is happening. Sleep eludes me and when I do finally close my eyes, all I feel is silence. The strange numbness and the breathlessness kicked in.
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Ruo ning came over to science the other day. It reminded me of secondary school days and of these group of people that has morphed into daph rescue team. I miss that, I miss being showered with care and concern. I was at the lowest point in my life, where most of my days was spent curling up to a corner, gasping for air and how it was hard to even walk. Knowing my lone wolf character, I never had the chance to be alone, each moment was spent fretting over my reckless behaviour. No running, no cold drinks, no chance to be upset at all. There was always warmth.

I probably haven't told anyone in my school yet about my condition. This is my first time sitting in exam conditions and honestly speaking, that scares the fuck out of me. My mind goes blank most of the times and I always feel the bile rising in of not being good enough or that i haven't studied enough and i couldn't shake off the feelings. I think it took a worse when exams ended and my whole face was just flushed, and im left trying to control my breathing.
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sigh. I need better control of my emotions.