“We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to feel nothing so as not to feel anything - what a waste!” - Call Me By Your Name

my specks of uncertainty

comfort clings on, that little darkness,

the nothingness that stretches

the peppered breaths that break apart the silence

you stare out into the void,

thinking of nothing, ideas, imagery which you 

cling on to, desperate to give form, to give 

backbones, words, structures, to make

sense, the technicality of things

parched, the clock ticks

the mundane race, the annoying cookie cutter dream

plastered upon all walls, the dissipating will

of a sleep that bring about temporarily relief, 

tomorrow comes, another day

tomorrow ends, an unforgiving nightmare

hello, you said to the dog that greets you

hello you said, counting the numbered hellos

sea of thieves

you were a storm that i desperately wished was a lighthouse
that warm guiding light amidst the waves
yet you were the thunder, the loud rolls, the hurls of spites
you were lightning, your crackling touch that left way too many scars, too many wreckage
a disaster you left at your wake, i was that disaster

i was a ship that wanted harbor, a respite amidst my travel
in people's harbor, I turned away
for fear of the next wreck, the wreck you left in me
the holes you have burnt, my feeble attempts to fix, those desperate ones
the water keep filling, i was drowning before i even learn how to swim

they tried to tie me down, their sweet seduction, their promises of a safe haven
but i was rudderless, my trust were few

you stayed in the eye of storms for too long,
you start to believe you were made for the wild
the raging seas, the unforgiving weather, the unpredictable ruthless waves
you wrapped your heart so tightly, you start making deals with the devil
flameheart please free me from the shackles i have tied upon myself
please drown that ship of mine

a young lad, drunk on his merry way, a stowaway on this titanic
aren't you afraid, of the storms, of the ship driving herself in this iceberg field
that smirk, that cheeky confidence before the reply,
these choppy water, that delicious rum
i will do it all with her

// the bell rang

there it was, she knew it from the very start.
was there no way out of this?
many scenarios, possible conversations, the retorts, the backlash,  how many times has it been dear child? You lost count, of the number of times you swallowed it down, the indignation, the defiance that you try your best to quell. You know you can't afford to win this, so you back down once more, resignation flickering.

you question yourself before, why it was difficult to just listen, be the puppet, be entwined in the strings, made to play the show you were dictated to be in. your reckless soul beat against this regime, you know very well, it is only a matter of time before it all break loose, that's what happened isn't it? When you lose control of rational thoughts, and decided it was best to start following your feelings into things.

Forget the naysayers who tell you no, forgive the people who do you wrong, forgo the dissuaders, they know not better. They meant well, they believe what was best for you, what to stop your heart from breaking, but why was it so hard this time round to be cautious, to shield your heart from pain.

There it was, my sweet summer child. The gate, the gate that you have stared out from your windows, the gate that you have always wished fervently, the gate, the gate. The gate that was always there, run child, run. And never look back.

merging stillness

the dull pulses, the lazy yawn through the sweltering hot air

sweat crisp, dripping over, days stretched on my planner, reminding me we reached summer.

the semblance of normalcy, or our little irregularities during this strange stillness

we paused everything, yet the urge, the rush, the push just doesn't seem to be slowing

if ever, the need for clarity, for some form of semblance become even more urgent, tugging at the sleeves.

breakfast merged to lunch to dinner, naps merged to sleep, morning to dusk, twilight to dawn

pitter patter goes the keys, clittery clack goes my cells, the throb, the need to push past this quicksand that we are all sinking comfortably to. Media consumed, connections are just a few touch away, yet intimacy could not be anymore foreign.

--- 

and there you have it, my little ramblings during this whole entire lockdown. slowly crawling forward to the end of it, there is a sense of anticipation, but as always, my mind start to run, of all the things that may come next. I was supposed to kick ass this year, but somehow it feels like this year is striving to bring down that resolution. HAHAHA 

pizza and a little bit more

it's been raining the past few days and somehow it brought about a comforting respite amidst all these noises.
the past few weeks have brought about many changes, a lot of self reflections and many moments that all seem a little too picturesque.
feels a bit strange but the peace I have felt during January then now seem a little too naive and innocent, like the calm before the storm. But there is a something beautiful about that as well, it reminded me that I was still perfectly capable of making or forging connections that I thought I lost when I finished studies.
sometimes I wonder why I hold myself to such ideals that I am incapable of certain things or forcing myself to ridiculous standards, maybe a justification or some sorts?
-
I climbed onto the sheets, his scent still clung on
It has been awhile since I felt that sense of shelter that came
like a gazelle, drenched by the storms
shivering amidst a warm source
I admit I was greedy
that I found a connection I was not capable of letting go

that warm source
the ripples of laughter
feels strangely homely

I peeked at the window,
is it nigh-time already
time felt like a strange concept
as I stare at your sleeping figure

pregunta por favor

and once again, a month has passed and i feel as if I once again felt like a truck load of information and things have happened.

where do I even begin.. things are starting to slow down at work, which is good because it meant I have more time on my end to figure things out, be it on myself or on the direction I am going for. Which brought me to my next point, felt great to finally take care of myself mentally and starting to put in more effort to take care of the little things too like skincare routine and hair. Man, never thought a day would come where I actually try to figure things out, and honestly it felt pretty good to have a semblance of control, even just a slight one on things. Mental health days have seen me starting to bake again and maybe cook, I'm still trying to figure out how to best incorporate a good cooking diet as well as exercise regime, so I guess these couple of weeks will be more experimental phase as well. It also means I finish this damn wholesome tv show, scrubs, man how did I not notice this during the younger times. Not sure why but these days, having a hard time finishing animes or manga, started leaning more towards show, watched you afterwards, I wasn't sure if it was because I watched such a damn wholesome show that you just feel so unsettling, dark and toxic. HAHAHA I also loan a friend one of my favourite book, wasn't sure whether is it cause i outgrew the usual damsel in distress and toxic relations, but these days feel really unsettling, that any form of toxicity just feel a little tad too much

-
trembling fingers, shaking breaths
you undo my buttons, one by one
is this right, is this right
that deafening alarm bells
or were they warning signs

that cool touch, the quiet caress
that lonesome shadow, peeled on the window
nothing was shared, yet attachment grew
that pesky sunlight, that reminder
that our nights have ended, and so have our ties

once more, one more text
a fumbling rush, an intoxication mistake
strewn words, messily stitched
the silent rebel, the reckless pecks

the swallowing silence
the ache. the ache.