It looks a lot like love

was reading through my secondary school posts and thinking about what have been happening for the past few days...

I.. have realized.. that the layers of myself that I've been discovering, one by one, I'm peeling them off.. remind me of the poem we had to analyze, of how they depicted love as an onion. HAHAHA. Okay.. anyway..

I was thinking of how emo I used to be, depressed.. rejecting every single care and concern, pushing people away.. or the time I was so damn bitchy about people.. vulgar.. violent.. all that slowly fade away.. like a layer I had peel off.. But it had left me scars, leaving me afraid to trust people.. and  that leaves me to ponder much.. soulmate ask me today, "it leads me to wonder just how many people do you truly trust.."

Do I even have the answer to that..

Come a new school, a new environment.. I was happy for awhile, when all that slowly fades away as I let insecurities, paranoia seeps into it. I was in a relationship, i was foolish to have plunged head on, knowing fully the consequences, up till now, I haven't regretted it but it has also made me question what is truly love, and whether did I truly love the guy.. Yes he has been there for me, taken care of me, that I'm grateful for. But to say that was love.. maybe it hadn't been. The events that occurs after that, led me bitter and perhaps to a certain extent, anger and hatred towards it.
~ ~ ~

I found someone unexpectedly in my cca. One that loves music just as crazily as I do, one that do just about the most craziest that I do, one who's just as emotional as me. I'll write about him in another post or so. But for now, let's just say, it looks a lot like love.

Screw Logic

I haven't posted awhile but today, or rather recently, I have been really really exhausted. Physically, emotionally and mentally.

People question after awhile, why is your life so drama, why are you so emotional.

Hence the post today; why up till today, I choose emotions over logic
~

Emotions.
Many would not agree or at least won't comprehend why I am so emotional. Emotions makes me who I am, they're a part of me, to ask me to not care, to not empathize, is perhaps to take the me out of me.

Why even up till today, i care so much about the people who hurt me, who might not care about me, is basically because I am not them. Logic will tell anyone, once they have been hurt enough, it's time to let go, to move on, to walk away. I won't, not because there isn't a choice, but because I believe in the good of people. I'm not an optimist, but i do believe in chances.

My soulmate would say " you believe in giving infinite chances"

Indeed, that is my very character. Emotions give me what others won't experience, the joy, the happiness I get, not just from being with people, just looking at things, and crafting words, thoughts out, it's not emo per se, but rather it's because i feel, that's why i feel blessed to be in this life. Because i feel, that's why I am able to see so much more, not just the physical of things, but to look beyond.

Ask a logical person, they will tell you the pros and cons. They will tell you that it is only worth fighting for if the benefits outweigh the costs, I'm not calling them heartless creature, they are rational, they will look towards the facts, the statistics. I will say, emotional people will tell you this, you only live once, forgo the rules for once, not because we are stupid, not because we love breaking law, others call us reckless, impulsive, but you know something, we are the one that will go beyond the extra mile, we will be the one fighting and breaking free, because that's us. You cannot chain an emotional person with logic, they will writhe and struggle, they will be the one walking in the rain, they will be the one dancing in the sunshine, they will be the one at the end of it all, to drop everything of theirs, to find you if they find out you need them.

Not because they have nothing on, not because there is nothing important even if they tell you so, but because even if every single clue, every warning sign and logic tells them it's not worth it, they will look you in the eyes and say, "fuck logic"

I live with emotions because I may regret what i do, but i will never regret what I feel. Because i care, i love, i empathize, I feel so much more. Even if every single one ridicule me for being a fool for going through all this hurt and pain, i will tell them, i will look at each one of my scars, my memories and still I am thankful for them. Because they are what make me who i am today, standing tall, maybe not proud of my own life because of my actions, but thankful and utterly blessed to meet all the people in my life. They taught me so much more, they gave me so much more. Their words, their actions, form a part of me that even if life rewinds, even if chances were given to change anything of the past, I won't. Because of my emotions, I have been a better person than who i can be.

Emotions may be my weakness, but it is definitely my strength. I believe this quote came from the Bible, but it means more than just religion or christianity, it has kept me going ever since.

"for it is when i am weak, that i am strong"

A friend ask, you mean when you are at your lowest, you turn around and that's what makes you stronger? I replied no. What i meant was your weakness is your strength. That's the whole main point. Us being scared of this and that, what do we do with them? we run, we fight, we avoid, there's so many things we could do.

For me, i used to be very fearful of rejections, confrontations, any form of emotion that can come directing at me, i hated it. I hated how my emotions may be too much, because of that I had pushed a lot of my friends away, and maybe a lot of them had also walked away too.

I did get better from there, my fears slowly becoming something that I accept. It's not that I don't fear such stuff anymore, I still do. I don't know whether I fear them any lesser than before, but one thing I did, I had learnt to not be afraid of my fears. That's what I meant your weakness, that part of you that you are fearful of, that you won't let anyone see, that so called monster, that ugly side of you. That raw emotions that you build up, I'm sure everyone has them, some wear it on the sleeves, some hid it, some chained them which later becomes another one of their personality, a so called split personality. They are our fear, our weakness.

I can probably hear the snickers and sarcasm, so how would our fear, our weakness ever be our strength? My emotions makes me who I am today, they make me stronger, they make me weaker. It's a two sided coin, there are different perspective of how we can look at things. And to see and condemn our weakness and say that, that's all there is to them. Isn't that belittling yourself, just a little bit too much?

I believe in searching for yourself. I believe in hoping, in finding strength in your weakness, in accepting that you are weak and strong at the very same time. I am weak, yes, for my emotions overwhelm me, makes me drained and tired real easily, but at the very same time, I am strong, because I have my emotions, i can feel pain, sorrow, anguish, joy, happiness, bliss and the most important thing, gratefulness. Because I am emotional, i can empathize, i can see that i am not alone in this world that is suffering, that is living. I am breathing today.

A logical person will tell you this, overcome your weakness.

I'm gonna say this: Embrace your weakness.

Logic only take one so far, it is emotions that spur us further and take us on our path, they carve and make our walk so much more. And maybe I would like to say, I'm glad I never gave up on being the emotional me, because if I had, I probably won't meet the person that meant so much to me now, and I am glad that the very emotional me has meet the very emotional you, the one I call my soulmate.
~

And i think i will say it once more, screw logic.

When the world smiles, the daggers stab

Yesterday ended one of the 2 years I have in guitar ensemble, it's not the official step down, but it might as well be, since after this, it's just elections and that's about it..

Syf ended, I would not say I was exactly proud of my efforts I put in, but what's over is over, there's not much point whining about the past. And that also concluded my last performance on syf stage, and probably my last performance as a performer unless some miraculous event happen.. 

Last year barbeque, was filled with the hanging out of mostly the guitar excos, laughing so hard just buying materials.. crashing president's house and watching him close his door on us just to tidy up his room, screaming like nobody's business at the ocean, lying on the grass and discovering your friend is allergic to grass.. watching your friend chopped ice with the potential of being a murderer.. and so much more.. though i left early... but at that time, the happiness was easier to see, easier to feel..

This year barbeque, we celebrated 2 of our guitar friends' birthday, the whole process of lighting and relighting cake sure is remember, involving the scalding of finger and wax dripped on skin. Talk about pain.. and i felt left out as time passes on, as though i have no right to join in the fun anymore, i was slowly feeling as though their eyes are piercing me, judging me. Feelings are overwhelming, and while i was buying drinks with the closest guy friend i could possibly have, a brother that watched out for me for the past 2 year, president. I broke down. I couldn't stand the way people assumed, the fact i was actually protecting the person that hurt me, that traumatized me down to the very core. I was shaking, i was finally able to breathe and admit to myself, at the very end of it, i was deeply hurt.

I couldn't describe the feeling.. of how yesterday night went. The amount of sadness mixed in with happiness after a water war started by one of the junior and I. And how okay i felt when i see him send another girl's home, it wasn't that I'm jealous, but i was honestly okay with it.

When i look back, can i still look back at you who like me so and smile? will we be together even then? 

the wind that blow once rarely blow twice

Concert is coming..
I have successfully ended orientation, thankfully i have not acted up during the camp itself but during rehearsal, whichever case, I am glad that i have forged new bonds and relive my times when i was in orientation. Never did i regretted it, things may not have gone as plan, but my 2 ogl partners, i sincerely know was there for me and helped make og27 who they are today, needless to say my og was all i could ever wish for.
Today, went out to buy stuff for concert, it was really weird since I realized that i'm starting to take on the same roles i took when i was back in choir. Yet the stress still hasn't hit home yet, maybe it was caused i refused to care that much anymore or because i simply given in to apathy itself. That I never wish to happen, sure empathy has always been the best part of me, the price itself is not one i would wish to pay.

while having dinner with my non-existent bf, i mean he is not exactly my bf, he was trying his hardest to not be one either, but it was indeed funny and awkward. While sharing on the problems of cca and life itself, i really wonder just why it was so uncomfortable whenever i mentioned about anything to do with me. I mean i can recount events perfectly, but when it comes to my own thoughts and feelings, it's like a barrier that i cannot breach. I never did tell him the truth and with that, i'm really apologetic.

Truth to be told, I've been having recurring nightmares and was visibly shaking/trembling when i was in the presence of guys, it's just that it was never really that obvious when we eat in fast food, as i always use the crowd to make me feel better and would try to avoid contact, subconsciously. My past, still haunts me. With my bf, it seems like that barrier was broken, but for how much intimacy can i go, i do not know. And that scare me itself.

when it comes to groups/clique, i will always feel left out, and given the chance, i will just drift, drift as i possibly can, its not that i love being alone, i hate that feeling of loneliness, call it attention seeking, its just that much that i want to feel wanted, to feel cared for. And the other hand of protection, i care about others, but not myself as much, to the point where i left many to tread on me, so carefully i hid my heart, so when people start to grow closer, the further i would move away. For fear, knowing fully that loneliness would bring about depressing thoughts, but pain itself of any emotional scale would bring me buckets of tear.

Bones i drag
lifting my body, breaking into
presumed smiles
wearing my wary heart
critics flew,anger stayed

piles of politics
sheets of work
the nerve to unravel
the poise to remain
actions to remember
scores to memorize

to lead by day
to work at night
stabbed, mocked, ridiculed

where once stood a child
an adult she grew in a fortnight

so my first post for 2013, and it is a rant..
No surprise here, actually it's more of a last resort or more so things.. considering i still have work to do..
-
Things have been stressful. Like really stressful,
maybe not yet as stressful as previous school,
but maybe 2/3 of it already.

It has been crazy hell days for the few weeks,
and as much as i look forward to leading my juniors
and going forth in being the most enthusiastic person.
i am burning out. Literally.

With the long hours that we stay
or the mockery, strife and all.
It's about just enough to make me
wanna yell at everyone
and just be like ARGHHHH.

I really need. understanding. support
that's all. Time may not be on my side,
but a shoulder to lean on or to cry to,
it's what i need. right. now.

It's been months since I lasted posted.
2 months to be exact..

To be honest, I've been through quite a bunch of stuff these two months. I've met up with the UN (screams!) Like a finally, there was much more people this time round. Also, that day marks the end of guitar before promos, and also the first concert performance, which I'm sad to say we messed up, but hey, throughout the whole time, the practice spent was all worth it. Each and every bit of it. In those months, I've also gotten my hands on laoshi book!! YES.

Of course, my health has been like a swing, it goes up and down as it pleases. And during the period of revision and exam, I had unfortunately took a turn for the worse, raging fever follows me for the week, and before i knew it, i was sent to the hospital. Yep, you heard right. I was admitted for a few days and nights.. and honestly speaking.. throughout the time i was sick, it never fails to struck me just how much i felt like crying over parents, over friends (I should probably add inverted commas).

then again, no matter how much tears I shed, it still won't be worth the dime for them.

~
Black birds sitting on the branches,
pecking and pecking,
on the twisted leaves.

Waiting for the sun,
as monsoon pour in,
drenching them all,
feathers and bones.

Looking to find
the drops that fell
from the sky
are not from the eyes
of the tears that run.

wiping and find
the glimmer of warmth
wraps one, to no comfort

seek, not the heat
hear not listen
the heart stop,
the eyes water
the hands tremble
for the resemblance
of a source
so near
yet far.