a pity we all grew up so fast

fifth semester, i am finally able to do things I want to do. to pursue the modules i want to and it was surprisingly a relief.
this semester seen me being a relationship counsellor. HAHA I mean it's something that I have been doing since god knows when,
but it just feels ironical whenever you see a couple going through the same phase as the other, not saying that all relationships are the same
but still.
here's to all the times spend consoling humans after humans. here's to also the most awesome TA i ever gotten and how he later ended up placing me
in marine lab and i could not be more thankful he was my TA.

I almost forgot to mention, fifth semester was also known as the great depression. I lost this uni clique of mine that I grew close to and it can't be helped since i fell out with one of my closest friend in uni. I think it will always haunt me, how one camp could turn a friendship upside down.
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Sixth semester, most stressful semester because there is just so much riding on this semester. I keep thinking to myself whether i should graduate or should i just keep persisting on and seeing where it takes me. It is also the semester where i just snapped. Like I ended up being really pissed at pretty much everything because each assessment suddenly seem more stressful than usual. I used to think that behavioral bio is my calling but as i take it, i realize that is pretty much not the case. AHAHHAH, and surprisingly started
really loving taxonomy instead. And the sad thing of course, is how taxonomy is a dying field.
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Last semester, i didn't know it was my last to be honest. I kind of went in this semester feeling 50-50 about everything. Future is still this great big unknown that I am unsure of, and scared of. Like it just feel responsibilities and the expectations to know exactly where you should be and want to be needed to be planned out right there and then. But instead of finding answer, i just have more questions, more doubts on whether this degree that I struggled my ass off is worth it. Whether i should have just fought to do veterinary instead, but seeing how irked out I was over bird dissection, i can't tell whether it was a better choice that I did not do. Volunteer at marine lab and it was ohmygoodness, really really something. I love going outfield, okay maybe not the sleep deprivation but it was really an eyeopener.
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then i started work. And life just pretty much seemed sucked out of me. aahaha i think a part of me was still not ready to let go of the undergraduate life and its partying. But the transition back home was surprisingly smoother so hopefully these hell weeks will pass.

graduation

I wanted to type this sooner, but work, work has been shitty. S H I T T Y
it's feel surreal that I have graduated but how do I put a finger to it, it feels like I only really graduated this semester with the rest.
Even though i was working and all, but I guess cause i was still staying in hall, it felt like i was still having fun albeit less drinking and less impromptu 3am supper.
It was weird waking up these days, or even coming back to an empty room. Ugh it's like. there isn't anyone to come home to or talk to or much less sleep next to. I mean
my family is still there and all, but they're not really the best people to confide in and all.
And since work has been really bad, it is really taking everything out of me every day just to wake up and go to dreaded work.

I guess it's true what they say about mixing passion with work, it feels like slowly, my passion is just being ebbed away. But hey, still an experience right.  Even though I have been working for a few months, the idea that I am now a working adult, hasn't truly struck me at all. I mean my wallet feel the pinch, since uni food is so cheap but no, not feeling the adulthood. But it feels like every thing is slowly catching up to me, bills, the idea of more responsibilities, the idea that I may have a house of my own and would settle down... ugh.
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Moving out on Saturday was surprisingly not very emotional. At least the feelings didnt come in waves and all, but I know russ was feeling really jittery ahahha.
I think it might also be because knowing russ mum was fetching, I couldn't really let myself embrace those feelings.
University. These 3 and a half semester has completely wrecked me. Three and a half semester of trying my best to do something that I was interested in instead of
just sticking to being in arts.

First semester of loneliness, of utter loneliness. Being by myself most of the time and just really having to push out of my comfort zone to try to talk to people. But somehow, it is quite evident that I was never going to be on the same footing as the rest of them, maybe cause of my non-existent bio background or maybe because I transferred too late and by then, everybody already have their own friends and groups. Wasnt easy when i had to face a breakup during it all, and it just crushed me, and my cap plummeted shortly after.

second semester was painful. Knowing that I was going to be graded on a bell curve that does not favor me, doing modules that I don't really like and just about being with someone that was hurting at the same time. It was painful because you never know which decisions were right, and which decisions were wrong. There were moments of brief happiness, but there were more moments of insecurity and confusion. I guess there were many moments where I was being let down that I realize I have to walk away if not, I'm just hurting myself.

third semester or should i call it honeymoon semester. This was the period of high, where I was meeting up all the orientation groups, where I started confiding in people. Also where I became the ultimate leech. AHAHA, I do enjoy my hall stays and all though. A part of me think that my relationship will not be as close as now if I hadnt been staying in hall.

Fourth semester or also, fall out semester. I fell out with a close friend, and it really hurt but I felt like i had to put my foot down in the situation. I mean we are still talking and all, even after russ keep convincing me otherwise, but a part of me will always be soft I guess.
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I got lazy to write AHAHAHHA ill update this another day whee

slow down

i do not know where this welling feeling come from
nor could i quite put a finger as to what this feeling is

is it a sad musing
is it a loneliness
a desperation to find a connection
a cry to find a relief
a distraction from this feeling

I find myself circling back
circling back to this pain
circling back to this sadness
that i can't quite shake away

it does not eats me up inside
it's just there
like a stain that refuse to go away

i know im spiralling
trying to understand this
but it feels as if -

everything is moving way too fast
and i can't seem to catch my breath.

what you do when you get your butts off

it seems weird, but a part of me still grieves over you.
like an old wound that refuse to go away
a scab that I keep picking on.
I said I am moving on,
but it seems like a curse
where I keep being reminded of you
you and your chains.

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on a brighter note,
finally got my ass off and started playing with watercolour!
was quite impressed with the results even though I kindda fucked up some parts.
Should probably invest in watercolouring papers and blending palette(?) soon.

Also started my determination to cut carbs and sugar off for this summer.
still aiming to be below 50kg. HAHAHA well let's see how my determination gets me.

Actually went for a massage and it was not bad if it wasnt that painful.
But at least my body is no longer that sore, for awhile at least.
Think it might actually be a good investment as compared to going for a facial.
Tried it, and did a nopedisshit on it. Though eyebrow embroidery was good too.
Ah the price of beauty.
Speaking of which, I am still jabbing my eyeball with the eyeliner. Sobs, why is it so hard to learn
how to draw a damn line on your eyes?!?!
but i started learning some other skills better, still nowhere perfect but getting better at taking care
of my face. Hey, better late than never right.

Thirteenth

somehow i feel like i got so caught up with myself, with my own life that I start to think as though life revolve around me..
sigh. been out of character these days.. ever since I started work, I feel like a part of me just feel as if I'm justified for things.
I'm justified to be mean cause life is tiring or about anything.
When I took a step to really look at myself, I kindda hated who I saw.
I became lazy.
Lazy with connecting with people.
Lazy with self maintenance.
Lazy with love.
Lazy with job hunt.
Lazy in everything.

and. gah. no more.
I need to continue striving to be better. To be more.

I always wonder whether my past self would be okay with
where I am today. Would she be happy with the choices I make,
the things I gave up?

But hey past daphne,
thank you.
Thank you for not giving up on life
Thank you for giving me the chance
to experience so much.

"If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this: We all want everything to be okay. We don’t even wish so much for fantastic or marvelous or outstanding. We will happily settle for okay, because most of the time, okay is enough."