Waking call

Tell me why

Hollow voice

I went to check up today, everything's fine. I came back from port dickson just a few hours ago.
~
Trust, trickling like grains of sand. You can only hold on to so much, before it slip past your fingers.
The wind past, throwing away what is familiar
thrusting one into the unknown.


Like a clock chiming a final tone,
resounding a hollow sound.
I wonder why it seems to prick the already numb senses.


Tears slipped past as it always do
I leaned back, trying to grasp back the lost grains
but i was afraid that it would slip past me.


That wave of disappointment i could never deal with
as it echoes once more,


I withdrew my hand,
and just hope somehow
sun would shine again on this little cloud.
~


Back to work people! 


Daffy

Breathe

HiHi.
Emo post, so yeah.
As days inch closer and closer, i can't help but fear. Have I made the wrong choice, would I be able to wake up from it all? I don't know, whether i would be happy giving up the ability to draw, write as freely as possible if I stuck with my choice. But the pain is almost unbearable and it caused me to wonder whether it would one day trigger attack.
I wish i could tell you I'm feeling fine, that i'm alright. But i'm not. Not with the fact that you used me, not with the fact i'm bearing all the blame for everything. I don't even know whether i count you as a friend or not, it hurts me so to even wonder otherwise. All the things i shared with you just seemed so one sided now, and all i'm feeling is just a feeling of being cheated. 
I have to buck up, i must. Because i know the imminent threat that if i don't, i don't have a roof under my head anymore. I know that I have a tough life, but the thing is I also knew that such times won't last forever.


Harsh words you spoke to me, the world give so little love, that's why i have to love myself even more.
And it's so bitter, and hard to swallow. 
Because i do want it, acceptance and love.
I do yearn for people to show concern,
I don't want to be having an attack,
and no one even hear my silence.


But i can't take it anymore, the tears i keep hiding.
The smiles i keep faking. the slash after slash
which bring no comfort nor help.


I know that i should probably talk to someone about it, but i can't. I seriously can't... 
Because i no longer believe anymore,
and i have just sunken deep into depression.


that's why when tears fall,
you see me smiling.
that's why when i'm not there,
or when i'm there,
i'm just air.


Cloud I am, easily forgotten.
Once i have done clearing up other's mess,
once the rain has fall, 
i move away,
nothing to call my home,
and no one to love. 


For cloud I am,
a false pretense of sunshine. 


daffy

Died Laughter

Buahhahahahaha! 

I am back! So i got back all my results today... AND I improved a lot!! HEEE. So proud of myself *pat pat* It makes me feel happy that i scored well, and that my efforts paid offf BUT i know i could have done better. Much much better. After all, i have high expectations for myself.

I PASS ALL SUBJECTS EXCEPT FOR ELECT HUMANS. 

Okay i know for other people in other classes, it seems rather a stupid deal to have since most people want to score A's. I do too, believe me. But there's always has to be like steps by steps kindda thing? And i jumped by 10-30 marks for some subjects so that's another thing to be joyful over!!! 

That. was before my mum told me she was the top student in her exams.( which totally ruin my mood but never mind!!!)

Apparently i looked scary/angry/upset/not okay when i expressed next to nothing or stone or give the sian face. It seems like i can radiate my emotions. HAHAHAHA. oh that reminded me I was so insane i started saying a flying squirrel is a square squirrel. that's what math do to you. I solemnly think so.

For today, 

Went out with Cat (which finally came to school) and Sapphire! Had like 5 meals in total today. Likka bloated only ): Probably like dumped junk inside my body. Also i got like 2 stilt duckies :D 

~

I couldn't tell you the truth. Afraid i would hurt you, or disappoint you or both. After all, i know my results did improve, but at the same time, you thought i was okay because my results were getting better and better. But i'm not, i'm faring worse. I'm slowly losing my sanity, all the laughter and smiles that I made, is nothing but a show. I'm nothing but just pretending that everything is alright. I want someone to find out something is wrong yet at the same time i know even if they do, i will push them away.

Like that day where i badly wanted to P to vent, to rant whatsoever, i could not. I couldn't bear to, while she was so happy in her world, oblivious to my pain. I admit i did the only thing I  could think of to stop thinking. I ran. Yes, i foolishly ran, someone called me at the slope, asking me about prelims. I knew by then tears were already flooding, and i couldn't give a straight face. No matter how hard Jie wanted me to talk to her, i could not. or rather I would not. It was after that i made a promise to myself that whatever happened, i would just not say anymore.

That was why on Tues, i knew after all the crappish stuff that happened, i couldn't handle school, i couldn't even handle myself. Cracking again, where i had begun the vicious cycle again. I could not tell you. I don't know what you would think, i wasn't suicidal. I was desperate, i wanted the pain to go away, I know such behavior would never be accepted in lg, even anywhere. Question marks are filling me, yes some may say i have lost my faith, but to me, it's just utter slip to the bottom. 

I know today, itself i was trying to very well kill myself. I know that i should not have to school as i was already pale and sick, showing signs of trigger, I know that it was milk in the milo, i know that it was cold drinks, i knew i was running, i knew if i was late, i would have to be in crowded areas, i know that i had already tire myself more than i can bear, i know that it was raining and that itself made it harder to protect my body warmth, i knew all that. But i also knew, i was playing with my life, trying to push myself to the very extent. 

Yes, my results have improved, but if it's only academic which you see, get a robot. It's 100% efficient and any compromise on its part, will be less fatal than human error.

Behind locked doors, do you see the girl that is crying. 

I can see her, clearly. 

Wanting to help her only to know she would reject

my very hand

She's afraid not of her loneliness

but of the immense pain that 

she herself could not take away.

Who's to shoulder her heaviness

Huddled in a corner,

she closed her eyes,

shutting away her demons 

and before long, morning breaks

and it was a cycle all over again.

I could give you the brightest of smile even when the skies are grey. 

For my heart seeks the warmth of the Light

yet it is always a downpour of emotions.

Drenching my very bones.

I will smile. I will.

But it doesn't mean I'll be okay today

~

daffy

Life, God's precious gift

Allos~ 

I just wanted to post cause well, someone close to me passed away. I didn't know about it till today and till now it was quite a shock to me. I mean she's still so young, and to know that she passed away, was something that took a long time to accept. Especially since I lost contact with her and all. I heard from M that she died this Hari Raya Puasa and that she was 7 months pregnant when she died. 

That really. sting. 

It really struck me a lot about life. How precious life is, to quote from Crucible (It's a literature text that i'm doing now) "Life, Woman, life is God's precious gift to us" and to add on from Chrysalids ( another text i'm doing) "Life is change." Saying that, arn't we these days belittling it just a lil? With our complaining, whining, moaning, groaning of how much life sucks. In what way are we to suggest such when life has graced us its presence? I do admit I was not naive, I have been to funeral, i had brushed with death many times. Still, it make me sad and burdened to know how life can just be robbed so easily. Guilty i am with not treasuring life to the fullest, i do stupid things, i say stuffs which i never mean to hurt and probably hid too much stuff that should have been brought light.

We always thought there was time

to say hellos, to say goodbyes.

To say all the things that is to say.

Tomorrow will come, we would say.

Yet we always forget time is slowly slipping past.

and it is a one way ticket ride.

We allow lies to slowly slip past us

taking things for granted.

Some people, that once we said goodbye.

Their backs will always be turned.

Never looking behind.

Some leave footprints or shadows of them.

Their memories you can keep.

But you have to remember.

Nothing last forever.

A chilling yet down to earth truth.

Treasure what you can

while you have it

And give meaning to each and every life.

Rest in peace. 

Daffy.

Missing a fairy tale end.

On hiatus till further notice.

Sorrryyy!! promise i will try to give an update soon about sept hols and all!! but for now, am just sick and in a rush to mug~~

Till then,

Daffy

Hello September

Ello~!

It's already september. wow. Time flies man.. :( And soon it will be time when we graduate.. I don't want leave school :( I will miss a bunch of people and the memories and not to forget the teachers there. They really change my life a lot. (okay, some just gave me more homework but still.)
That remind me teachers' day was awesome. I met up with rachel after the whole thing. Saw some of my ex-seniors too. Collected my memo and more medicine from doctor. But for now am a happy girl cause i haven't acted up for about a week lurh.. so haftha keep doing whatever I was doing.. But been sick a lot. Ls, dizzy, flu, and a slight fever. Somehow that did not deter me from going out everyday hee ^^

I finished my holiday homework woooooohhh. So now left with revision~~

Oh yesh!!! I met up with a few Lg too. April and Rachiee. Am going for Lg too on wed (: Hope it's okay though.. I mean after all, I haven't been going for sooooo long, and it just might get a lil more awkward than usual, and knowing me, I will probably either be stoning and just be sticking next to april. Nat told me this and I think i myself have to admit too, that i can't keep running and avoiding things forever, I will have to face up to things and somehow just go along with things. I'll see how...

Nat and lynn really really touched me these few days with their encouragement and support. Knowing i'm facing a tough time now, thank you deariesssss. Of course, there are others as well such as joes and char ( but that's just one complicating thing). I was tearing a lot even during nat's church service, cause i realize the first thing i had run away from was my own identity. Who I am truly. And just been doing and basing my own thing using my perspectives towards things, and not looking at how people are trying.trying so hard just to reach their hands out to me. I had just been silently pushing their hands away either because of my stubborn pride or because i was too worried that i will be a burden or i was too afraid to even reach out again. and of course, i couldn't have really hang out without lao shi. She really really taught me a lot, outside classroom stuff too. Though i realize too, i haven't been fair towards her either, always shutting myself away from just about everything...

Yesterday I broke down, keep crying and crying. Something happen at home, but yeah, I'm not gonna state here for privacy sake, but it also make me realize how fragile i was, and how easily shattered I become without the support and help from the people around me. True I can't always depend on people but it's also true, i have started to become someone I never want myself to be. A fake.

So i shall tore the mask away.

leaning towards Your shoulder,

i heave a sigh of relief.

For i know i have Your support.

I know i will be safe.

For You rescue me from the darkness

You loved me even knowing my weaknesses.

You held on to me despite the harsh nights and days.

for You love me so much, who am I to even deny that truth that

I have been running away from?

How long can i run from My Father's embrace?

By the way, A word for an advice : if you want to gossip about someone, you are failing miserably.