A Revelation

This will probably the closest to truth I have ever said. And probably cause I broke down yesterday, okay not really break down kindda thing, but more of just for once, in the weeks of pent up emotions, I had let loose enough to allow myself to cry. yep, I actually cried.

-

It's been 6 months, but i have never been one to deal or handle when people I'm close to hurt me to the core. It hurts like hell, like an overwhelming fire that keep burning, and I just keep having those scars, but adamant to say it hurts me. Guess I just thought I'm better than that. But after all these years, it has never been easy to admit the pain just keep reflecting back, stronger each time.

I was always the child that cry easily. Whenever my friends go on vacation, i would cry, even though i know they will be back in a short while. When each time I had to change maid, I would cry, because even a 2 years forged with them is enough to send those tears that I hold. I was always the crybaby, no matter what happened, it seems that I always have a reason to cry. I held back my tears when I was at a tender age of nine, when I seen my mother cry, and that moment on, all the tears that I have cried, I have never once cried again in front of anyone. Or at least from my memory recalled, willingly. Not when my first teacher I treasured past away, not when the first person I opened up to, left me reeling in pain of backstab and gossip. Not when i was bullied, not when I was in trouble. I became my own shield. 

-

As I grew up, there were many scars that became painfully obvious but not one I told often. I started having insecurities, paranoia and lastly, trust issues. I started lying more frequently, hiding more. Even when the words came shooting at me, I will be the one to laugh it off, to say I'm fine, or just teased back or insults back saying asshole, idiot. jerk. I didn't like feeling sensitive, I like the feeling i give people, I didnt care, nonchalant when people say stuff to me. Like nothing affected me at all. 

-

There were a few people that I did opened up to. And for those that stayed I was grateful but it was always the people I had known to not stay to always prove me right. And at those times I really hated myself, hated myself for being right. Hated myself for not being able to make them stay. I have my own issues, but hating myself, blaming myself always seem easier, as though if only I changed myself, be a little bit better, compromising myself, giving in more and more.. it will somehow worked out. After awhile, I realized that it is their leaving, their judgmental eyes that always hurt me to hell.

-

no more, I would tell myself. No one is allowed to leave me weak, to leave me questioning myself, to keep crying myself over and over again. But each time, each time I was begged to open up, to not hurt myself, to throw away that facade, and each time I would reply, You would hurt me just the same way. You would hurt me and no, you will not just leave, you will keep walking in and out of my life, and you know damn well, I will always let you back in, because i cared. I cared enough to know whether you are hurt, i cared enough that I will want to be there for you, even for your short stay in my world, I will let you in, and there you will, enjoy your stay and afterwards pat the dust off your shoulder, freshened up and leave. And I'll smile at you and say, goodbye. Knowing fully well, i will cry at your fading presence. 

My whims & rants

Sometimes it seems hard to go on each day, like I just want to sleep and never wake up.

Sometimes it seems if i move just a little slower, slower and slower, people would forget me in their steps.

Sometimes I think so long as I suit my role in the person's life, once my role ceased, so would us.

Sometimes I ponder how much do people miss me, when most of the time I spent my days in this torturing mind of mine.

Sometimes I presumed I'm just a superficial reason for people to be together, like I'm a glue, to make the number up.

Sometimes I care too much and got hurt so easily.

...

At times like this, i really wish i dont exist. 

At times like this, i really wish to hurt myself.

At times like this, I really want someone to care,

to need, to tell me that they miss me.

To talk to me and make me happy.

...

But at times like this, I realize I'm my own enemy

and I had created this barrier in front of me,

where I can feel the pain

yet hid it beneath a smile. 

Loving him was red

I started loving the songs from Taylor Swift - Red and Avril Lavinge all over again, maybe it's just my emotions these day, i prefer slow ballad and emotional songs bah.
~
Side note, it's such a loooonnnnnggggg holidays, like ermaigawd, i have no idea where to spend it, but somehow or rather, I ended up spending it to the utmost best I could. Pursued dancing which was something i regretted giving up in primary school and went on to try to follow up on the passion of animals, taking up something at the zoo. Hope it all goes well. It seems fun pursuing the things I finally love most. :)
Been meeting up with lotsa friends, secondary school clique, choir friends, guitar friends, class clique, dulan clique, childhood friends, even met up with a long lost friend *gasp* well, let's just say I had really missed that basket for leaving without a word 9 years ago, and to know he was still alive and well, was something I had learn to put at ease in my heart. I guess, it was just a gap that was never filled, and being one of my best friend then, childhood sucks a lot growing up without him. But glad to know he is well.
~
A friend once told me that in this year of 2014, i should probably think of 3 things I want to pursue and complete. I think the first two were easy, I said dancing and cycling. Up to this date, I still do not know how to cycle, and that kindda embarrass me a lot especially when I'm out with my friends. I feel like a kid, (not that they're not calling me that already) and it makes me feel that in my childhood, I hadnt grown up normally like the rest. The next was dancing, i really wanted to do that and go on to a stage to dance. Being heavily influenced in the arts sector, I had recited a speech before in public, i had acted out on stage,I had played instruments on stage, I had sang on the stage before, taking up literature, writing poetry but I had never truly dance before on stage and that was something i really wanted to try.. the last I didnt dare mention but most likely it was to get past the relationship hurt in my life. I was still very fearful of love and i really didnt like having my feelings be put at the expense of someone, to throw around and hurt. The thought itself is just too fearful for me and up till date, I still had dreams where i woke up crying.
~
I got my hamster. Likka finally, Named her Star. For hope and i guess i love looking at stars and wishing on them, it always seem to brighten my night up whenever I'm gloomy. For Star, she has always been able to do that for me, whenever I'm sad, she would be able to brighten it up, just like a flicker of star, even though it may not be much, but it was the well needed warmth whenever I'm down. I'm grateful for this birthday present of mine, and i think it was probably one of the best presents anyone could have given me.

I would love to update more but i have a session for the juniors to rush through so adios for now~

Lately I've been losing sleep; dreaming about the way we could be

I really love the song counting stars a lot hahahha cause my workplace has this party and i went to this club, (my first time to a club and i was so blur and gong) Hahahah yeah so the band played it and i really love the song. "lately I've been losing sleep, dreaming about the way we could be..." Best way to describe my feelings these days.
~
well exams has finally ended. It has been a crazy ride, i can't imagine how many times i break down trying to get through the stages, how many papers I did, or how much of an annoyance i am to the people around me. But I'm utterly grateful to the dulan clique for being there for me, the UN people, of course grace, joes, qian and the list will just prattled on. But ironically my motivation also came from you as well.. ced. I dont know what is our status now but I'm grateful to you too, for being there for me when I was panicky for my papers.. which was weird that you still am the only person that could cheer me up and really calm me down. We cannot handle each other, I dont exactly claim I need you in my life. But subconsciously or not, I see myself being there for you or caring for you and I owe those tears and stupid smiles to you.
~
The year is slowly getting to a closure. I guess i've grown a lot this year compared to any time in my life. Been a lot clearer and moments started becoming fleeting. I love hard, I learn to be the best of myself. Being strong in my life, for the people i care and love, and being there for them as well. I'm blessed to have many people caring for me, and always feel so sheltered with love by friends. I can never go through 2013 without ya guys, and for all the crazy moments, thanks for sharing it with me. Shout out to my bestie who is still attached, last long to yaaaaaa~~~ Crazy girl who dont meet up with me but each time we do, you have always been there to hear me bitch about life. Also to my best guy friend, thanks for the times spend listening to me rant, thanks for sharing and enlightening me about the present, not the past or the future but just the present. Thanks grace for always listening to me, and even though i tio spammed by you a lot a lot, but I always enjoyed the times we spent. Heheheh :x Of course i can never forget qiannnnn, we became one of the close friends I could talk to, and our relations is so funny that everyone always give me the disbelief when I said how we met. Thank you so much for always having me over. Love cat so mucchhhh as well for always always always meeting up with me, even for just pure randomness and travelling singapore with me. We're crazy twins i swear.
~
Then there's you, ced. I'm honestly not the strongest person when it comes to dealing with emotions. But you're the first guy I can proclaim I would drop everything just to make sure you're okay. And i guess you're also the first guy I can truly claim I gave my all in loving you. Though it's so confusing and complicated now, but it has never once make me regret knowing or loving you. Loving you was a choice or a mistake i was glad to make. There was moments of anger, of fear, of tension, but there was also moments of bliss, of gratefulness and for everything you do, you make it better in my life. Thanks to you, I learn to work hard for my exams, i stop giving a shit about what people think of me whether they're judging me, thanks for teaching me to be strong, to be more in control of my emotions.

"But baby, I've been, I've been praying hard, Said, no more counting dollars. We'll be counting stars"

Life's memories

It's amazing just how time flies so fast.. and when we look back, I'm just so grateful for the people in my life..
-
I woke up lateeeeee, spoil the whole mood sia!!! I was supposedly to reach school at 7, yet i woke up at 6.20, that was already a major uh-oh. Think i forgot to set alarm yesterday cause I was so tired D: Then, tried to put on my contacts, and in the end that took forever too, and to add to using concealer, I swear my life just get better... couldn't find the shirt that I wanted to wear and was already late like crazy, like 7 and i'm still at home, can you imagine the panic  Grab an outfit that i wanted to wear, changed my bag, cause the other was too bulky and just left the house. Waited for so long for the bus to come and while waiting, one of the contact came off T_T And i realize in my hurry to rush to change bag, my spectacles were left hanging in the other bag. So I was half-blind. Bam!
-
Went straight to mac to get a slice of cake for the awesome birthday girl and board the bus to school at like 7.30 T_T I'm so late >~< But it was still fun seeing her, hehehe. Making her smile and giving her hugs, make me feel like at the very least, all of it was worthwhile~~ And apparently, cause of the wonders of concealer and contacts, some of the juniors couldn't recognize me :O I look different, so says grace who was like gushing at how pretty i look *flicks hair at own  vanity*
-
Took a bus..On the way, it was so cold and i was shivering throughout. Damn.. and i was like hope i get there on time. Through it was raining cats and dogs, lightning and thunder. Lightning strike the area a few times, and i swear i keep getting freaked out.. fear was so intense for a few moments.. but i get there unscathed. Went to eat texas chicken and got to know a really pretty girl who apparently shares a lot of similarities with me. But I wonder.. just how similar two people can get. I used to think monkey was the one who was so linked to me, but guess not..
-
rushed to my old school after that. was so fun, hehehe. And we were exclaiming how much it has changed, sapphy and I. Hahaha~ met some old friends, some juniors and teachers~~
went to eat at tiong, eating subway. I was like i ate bread for breakfast, bread for dinner, may i please not eat bread for dinner. Was fun talking to her and saw some jj peeps, lixin too! Hahaha remind me of how she taught me poetry skills~ While sending grace back to her place, we're like randomly singing choral songs, missing choir so terribly much... D: Haishhhhhh~~ ^^ but it was fun nevertheless~~
-
then went to catch a movie. God it was so damn funny, when the robot was flying. I teared though :( like 3 times, damn im so emotional. haishhhhhhhhh then met grace again ^^ hehhehe. i'm travelling so much so tired.... then went to talk to her, spazz about snsd and sunny~~
-
was walking home when a junior pat me on the back and she went to laselle, which i was like ohermgawdddd so damn tough school to get in and she got in on pure music piano background :O
-

life;when we trail and walk along the road, stop and take awhile to look back. For one, always forget the footprints one leave behind

Peek a boo at my world

So here goes my long awaited post.

Results for common test 2 has been back quite awhile ago, can't say I'm not disappointed at chem, but at the very least i improved for all my subjects~~ except for physics and general paper ): There's a lot more work to be done... and i still think i'm weak at chem, math (statistic), physics (definition, waves,superposition and all), econs (macro-globalization) Yup, got a lot work to be done. But at the very least, I'm proud to say that I really did better, perhaps.. it was just all the studying waiting for baby bah~
~
I realize i've been really depressed/down lately. Can't help it uh.. I just keep running into emotional stuff and I guess i just keep breaking down, crying myself to sleep. Hopefully.. *cross fingers* it will end today. Don't wanna go to sleep crying le D: Damn tiring and all... 2 hours of sleep can kill. But i guess i work out everything and i'm gonna go full steam ahead. I just cleared binomial just now. Gonna clear measurement and kinematic tomorrow and hopefully chem bonding? My progress is damn slow D: But at least I know that it is still progressive. And that is something i should work towards.. instead of procrastinating.. *twirl finger.. guilty~~*
~
I just read finish along for the ride - sarah dessan, walking disaster - jamie mcguire. Heheheh, i got the two books too, beautiful disaster and walking disaster. Damn damn happy. Andddd i found out a recipe that requires no oven~~~ mug cake!! heehehe, shall bake one for baby one of these days *smiles* Oh oh oh, and i learn how to stitch!!! And literally stitch a stitch, and baked chocolate stitch. I swear the amount of stitch is just crazayyyyyy~~ Neh mind, i dont mind doing it.. hehehe xD I really need to read more books, falling back in love with reading books again, and i need more colour pens. I swear the number of colour pens i have.. are just too little...

Walking Disaster

okay, i was at popular today reading the book i always adore : walking disaster.

It was like a male part to the version of beautiful disaster. Reading it always make me feel really nostalgic.. really heavy somehow.. maybe it's just the way the emotions were brought out.. Travis is a pure disaster of his own, he's a messed up person.. Abby and him always have so much to work out...

-spoiler-
thinking back, just how did Abby trust that Travis would stay faithful to her..? How did they even figure out the whole meeting finance meets? Granted that Abby is damn lucky when it comes to cards and Travis is damn good at fighting.. but was that how their children are gonna grow up.. in the world of violence..? And they just went to marry..

I just feel so in love with just how crazy they are for each other, all the messed up love, all the adrenaline rush   through when they were figuring out whether they would break their platonic friendship just to go one step further.. and knowing that the other party may not return that feeling unnerves them.
-end of spoiler-

Isnt that how love is? the whole worrying about whether the other party would return, how scared you are that he/she will hurt you. how terrible frightened you will get if all you get is just your feelings played.. how messed up your head/ thinking get when your very actions is always pulled by him/her, how your feelings are no longer of your own to call, but his/her to possess.

You spend your days staring at your phone, wondering if he/she will call/text, wondering if they miss you as much as you misses them. Whether they will even care/love deeply as much as you do to them, wondering whether your actions is too clingy, too possessive, too selfish, too immature.. too not right for him/her. You wonder whether always making the first move makes you tired, you wonder whether your enough will ever be enough.. you wonder this, you think about that.

but then again, maybe im just a sucker for chick romance.. but i like these series unlike others is not because of how the girl like the guy, the guy like the girl, they go through a few breakup, problems and patch and live happily ever after, no.

they didnt.

They went through crazy times, of forcing out uncomfortable truth, they went through temptation of reality.

i guess that's what they always say, life makes love looks hard, the stakes are high, the water's rough. but this love is ours.