Cheating

No, this aint personal encounter but it is one that struck me deeply during one of my conversation with my friend.
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I understand that we all sometimes made mistake in choosing the partners, and we end up switching, divorcing or separating and all. But like any actions, are we really ready for the consequences?

When we make a commitment to each other, it is and I hope that one that both truly felt the impact and believed that they would stay together with each other, for better or for worse, for sickness and in poverty. But when one no longer believe it, when arguments start happening, when we begin to lose sight of the possibility of being together.. does it make it any better to cheat?

Cheating.

It consumes and destroy in its path. Ravages through the skins and thoughts. With it, comes every creeping insecurities that could happen. Every single action that was before begin to be questioned and re-assessed. Did i do something wrong to cause you to stray? Did I perhaps not love you enough? What happened to forever. Now to give a disclaimer, yes there may not be simply a I love you forever and ever, but what happened to the other party when that forever is intruded upon by a third party?

Perhaps I will never truly understand the magnitude and consequences of what it feels like to be cheated upon. But for one that has been, how do you truly recover from that scar? The paranoia that will seize you, the doubts that anyone will stay beside you, what happens if you have a child bore from that marriage?

Will you be able to face that child of that marriage with bravery? To look at the child beyond just a  proof of a love that has once faded between two of you, the hurt that has been inflicted upon you. Can you see the child for him/her and love with that no reservations. What then happen if the other party start having children with another, would you truly be okay? Would it hurt lesser if you know you are but a passing phase of the past.

Cheating hurts more when the other party is of a decent character. Where the fatal flaw was not that there was no love or concern between the two of you but of the fact, that he/she loves someone more. And that comparison will eats away into the conscience and you cant possibly be able to forgive nor forget that hurt.

that is not to say no one truly recover from cheating, they do. but often with time, and often with an endless question and chasing of answers, the pointless pursuits of salvaging through for the pain inflicted is one so deeply embedded.

La la la

Hush, don't speak
When you spit your venom, keep it shut I hate it
When you hiss and preach
About your new messiah 'cause your theories catch fire

I can't find your silver lining
I don't mean to judge
But when you read your speech, it's tiring
Enough is enough

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Stay with me

So at such a tender night, I have to confess the vulnerability I'm feeling. Just a teensy bit fragile among the random musing I have in the day.

Here goes;

There will probably come a day and scoffed at the stuff I typed but for now, this becomes my outlet, my way of voicing out my thoughts if that makes sense. I think I have heard many people say that whenever they meet me or interacted me for awhile, I always give the impression that I'm very vulnerable, almost close to breaking or for some, a girl who has been through a lot. 

Well.

I wont deny I have been through some messed situations, but hey, i'm not alone in this. And it doesn't define me or what I am. I am not just the girl who cried her heart out because she broke up, i'm not the girl who should be pitied. I am not just the girl who is nonchalant/dont care, I am that and so much more. They said that sometimes, knowing someone is akin to peeling an onions, as more layers you get to discover, some of it may sting and make you cry, and to me, i  dont really know how many layers I have or whether I am the girl who is made from her circumstances. I can't promise to be the perfect one.

there may come a day i will forget, of the hopes i held and the dreams i dared to have. My life has seen me giving up on things i probably shouldnt have and beating myself up for it. We are all made of broken dreams, and if there is still one thing I crave, is freedom. 

And that seems weird coming from me I guess. A lot of people naturally assume that of an extrovert but no, quite the opposite. I prefer the solitude and the solace which lead to another misconception of me being too guy-ish for a girl. Perhaps I was brought up differently, or that i knew too much at too young an age, but I do believe the me now, is just about the same me as any point in term. 

Yet sometimes I think I let my fear gripped me to hiding, to not being vulnerable at all. Rather an empty shell than to show my soft side. Sometimes I forgot I'm only human and I still have the capacity to breathe and be hurt. 

slowly but surely, I am fading into the shadows. But till then, and if you do catch that glimpse of me, please tell me to stay. 

Suicide

This hits home to me.
I dont know how many times I have truly tell people of the past I had that I aint proud of. Being suicidal that is. Because a close friend of mine started showing signs of the past me, I started really feeling fear and being afraid of the thought that each day may be my last to ever say a word to her.
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I first had thoughts of dying ever since I was 12, so I have been fighting this for a very long time. I scared my best friend once when I just stood on the highest level of school and ask her, what would it be like to jump and just be free? I remember her face then, how afraid she was and the numerous calls she gave each day just to make sure I was joking.
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"Why would you want to die? There's so much to live for."

"Because it is at the point of death, i feel most alive."

People dont realize that once depression hits, it is with you for life. Every single day, you may wake up with the thought of dying, of the self doubts that started dripping down you like venom. When you look at people, you feel like screaming to them, peeling off your skin, left with just bones and all. And that thought would one day manifest into an action, i wonder whether did i say enough goodbyes to people, did i thank the people that i'm grateful for, did i tell the people i care for that i love them like mad. The thoughts start consuming you bit by bit, slowly and maybe.. one day i'll just disappear. Like without a word.

and that thought scares me. I'm afraid of myself.
suddenly when i stare in the mirror,
i dont see myself anymore.
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We're all moving on

Whether is it by what has been happening to make me typed this, I just needed to get this off my chest.

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I absolutely hate it. Hate it when people come up to me and tell me that my life is better than theirs. I dont like it when people compare people's life. Doesn't mean that other people out there has "sadder" life  robs you of the right to be sad, it's as good as saying that you have no right to be happy because others has "happier" life. You know something, everyone has their ups and down. And no one has the right to criticize people for feeling any way. 

There comes the question of the whole idea of letting your life goes to waste because of pure emotions. Yep, i mean it. The thing is I'm fine with people being depressed and all about their life, if being sad is what makes them feel okay and comfortable, sure go ahead. What i dont like is when people tell me that they dislike their situation and they are not okay with their feelings, come up to me for advice about it. Then please do me a favor, ask me to shut up straight away if you think im gonna impose any form of my own beliefs on you, well let me get this straight, I am not forcing any beliefs/thoughts on people, I didnt point a gun to your head and say you have to do this and that, no. I believe in free will, and if you came up to me, you basically did out of your own will. So whatever you hear from me, will be of your own direct results of your actions. Yes I have my part to blame for the words I choose to use, but as I would put it kindly, I also have the right to be nonchalant about the situation and simply not care.

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Okay, felt so much better after the rant.

School is starting soon, and it's kindda making me freaked out. Because I realized the amount of people I'm starting to know has begun to shrink. Yep, the so called social me is starting to really feel fearful of the idea of starting school, with a whole new identity. It's gonna be a good whole few years in such a school and I just cant put to words the stuff that will happen. 

And cause of an accident that happened, I just am more fearful of things and more panicky. Oh well~~ A few more days left before the army guys are out. Cant wait :)

there were many thoughts on what to write.. cause my mood was fluctuating throughout..
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these days have seen me consoling plenty and plenty of people in relationships or were in relationships.. relationships arnt easy to maintain, there may not be a reason to start one sometimes but it became sometimes hard to see the point of carrying on... and as soon as things get tough, that's when it starts to become blurry where the future of together is. I am no expert in it, i can only guide and advise as much as possible and somehow people thank me for it, and i became con with name of love doctor, for perhaps it seems that i could empathize well and understand. Or from what my friends said, I had experienced a lot and been hurt enough to relate deeply.

I once wanted to shut off from the world. I wanted to never have been experienced, i wanted the option to be naive and not think so much. But as soon as i did, a friend of mine reminded me that i was needed, that if im not who i am, or who i was shaping to be, there will be more and more of people struggling, fighting with themselves in their lone battles because they think they are alone in these. And as soon as that happens, a junior of mine called me and i realize that perhaps I cannot run away from it. Some may call me naive or childish because to them, im a very happy girl, one who is easily pleased by things and one who is very gullible. But to me.. I guess I've been hurt way too much to keep being down, i owed it to the people who care and worry constantly for me to be happy. And in truth, I am probably one of the blessed few to be able to be able to be cared and to care.

And here comes the depressing news, most of my closest friends are departing temporarily cause of ns... and it just sucks. to the bottom of the core, sucks. And it makes things worse when after a level, you guys make the effort to stay in touch in each others' lives, and it starts to become a routine that when it stops, it felt so empty and disheartening, because i realize that they had been one of my support ever since jc... where the me who always cry and breakdown in school, i had grown so much from then, my thoughts and my actions, and i guess i had reached a point where they felt a sense of pride for their lil sister and for me, i had begin to let go of things. There will always be scars but it's a matter of whether we wear them as shame or a symbol of triumph.

and at the midst of it all, i guess, i can say i'm blessed and happy (:

A final stop in Guitar

Guitar had never been my forte. But I had fell in love with it ever since I got a hand of it in secondary 2. But i remembered clearly that even though I was one of the better players then, my teacher often said I lacked the confidence and get so self conscious I stopped playing. And perhaps out of sheer laziness, the idea of playing guitar was soon thrown in the midst of syf and studies.
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Then came jc where I ended up in guitar. My og wanted me to join choir actually, because apparently i had charmed then when i sang during orientation, i wanted to join council actually, but the heart for music led me to choose guitar. Did i regret? Nope. Because my skills were not exactly up to the standards, I had to train with my buddies who do not have music background, and cause i had piano to back, i became one of the better players then. And often during then, my vice pres would walk around and have fun with us, that was then I wanted to be a vice pres, to look out for the welfare of the others.

When elections came and people started running for positions, i went with my choice of vice pres. Against someone I knew had all chance of winning it, due to her having better academic, due to her having better guitar background, due to her being more lovable then, did i regret running against her? Definitely not. Because I had brought the courage to stood for myself, to say a speech in front of my seniors and peers, to be thick skinned and ask people to vote for me, at the end of it, i had done my best, i got into exco nevertheless, and that started fully my journey into guitar.
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The first year has shown me a bunch of friends, fanatics who love guitar, who could come up with a new song straight on the spot, who loves to jam and sing, who really taught me the passion in music. They were also the source to my laughter on fridays evening where we will jab at each other and just have fun. I looked forward to each session despite my dreary school days. As time progress, people would fight, between the people who are stubborn, people get backstabbed, people start to prioritize and compromise, i found my workload getting bigger and bigger. And after awhile I realize, in my department, im the sole sai kang warrior. But it didnt mean i didnt have help, i had my guitar pres that became my closest guy friend to date, i had my erratic sx, my perverse rock & roll bro and the quiet zk. They became a family to me.
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When results came to play, we started to drift apart. All of us did, and i guess i started getting weary of cca. It starts becoming more and more of a burden than enjoyment, but each session, i love poking fun of my student conductor, cy, and watch her jump around like a little kid. Life was good, despite the rush for concert, for end of year trip to japan, even the last event we had of syf. There were many performances I was gratefully for, but none impacted me more than cip concert, where that was the song I had worked hard for and back out because of my cowardice of being laughed at. Did I regret, yes and no.
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Guitar had seen me cry, over the loss of my friends who started judging me, has seen me rolled on the floor laughing, over the most outrageous theories my friends could debate over on a bus trip or the perverse stuff they would say, has seen me teared, because i was heartened by the care and concern shown to me, has seen my irritation, over my immaturity and my emotional outburst. But it has seen me love as well and lastly, seen me grown.
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The months I went back to help, I had poured my grouches and my worries into pushing forth the juniors. With each batch has its own fun, its own journey. I walked through mine, growing so much, and learning so much, i had my say in the picking of the next batch, no matter how much of a headache that was, and seeing them so bonded, makes me feel proud, and lastly, this batch of juniors, i hope they walked well, despite what may comes, I know that jjge will leave an imprint in each others' lives.