Plastered smiles

It's those wait that make you wonder, those that you can't change its fate.

All you could do is not let those fluttering wings settle inside.

Courage could lift you for awhile, before you let those worries

dragged you back down to the pits of despair.

How long I yearn, to know, yet how much i fear to know.

It's those feelings that kept this loner awake.

Waiting, waiting.

For sleep to catch onto her,

so that she no longer is trapped.

By her very own thoughts.

Haven't written for a long while.

I am still searching for an answer. To explain the cause.

Yet i hate to be judged. The whole week has just been

toss and turns of heartaches. Tears that slipped past.

The aching need to feel wanted come rushing back again.

Yesterday, that desire stirred in me again.

So i went back, hoping somehow things will be different.

Hoping somehow someone would ask me what's wrong.

That they could see that i'm different.

That i'm hurting inside.

But plastered smile i kept on my face,

while dying inside, i could no longer hold on.

Words drifted past me, hellos and goodbyes were

not meant to me.

I was just a wanderer, wind that come and past.

A phase, but never a permanent residence.

that's what i will be.

So doubts would swirl with me today.

I can't put words in my lips again.

As i lie, waiting for someone to rescue me.

I have no strength to go on,

No more strength to keep a plastered smile.

Cause i can't keep hiding and lying.

Not to myself.

Possible ever after

Things had been a mad rush; I’m allowing myself to post for this special day.
Still been having attacks but so far, since the last one last Friday, I haven't had another. *Cheer*
Though my legs are still wobbly and I’m still suffering from gastric here and there but oh well,
I do have the tendency to be rather reckless with my body.

Well on to today, which was totally way amusing?
I work up early for some goodness reason and sat down to study. Yes, I meant it.
the whole exams coming thing is forcing me to actually be a nerd and wake up early to do homework, where I should be waking up three hours later. Though I didn't exactly finish it since we went out to eat dim sum, which was awesome, because I realize that He has provided me with a lot of blessings recently. Richer in a sense.

Yeps, and I reached tuition 20mins early... which gave me sufficient time to read a book. I quite like this book, it’s about this girl who kept having people telling her their life stories to them, even complete strangers. Of how she always blurted out things without really processing it and it kind of remind me of well, me. I get people telling me about their stuffs, and sometimes it gets me down a little for not being able to work things out. It's like I entrenched myself in other's life, I lost the sense of my own identity.
Oh well, so I went for tuition. Got back my test, scored pretty well (: At least, there were plenty of careless mistakes. But I shall just dwell on the fact I've gotten 45/50.
It was rather funny, tuition. I was wearing a long sleeved white shirt and a pair of trousers. And apparently I look like I was going to perform or go somewhere formal. But no, I was just going to library to study. Pardon me, I couldn't think straight of what to wear and I was feeling cold these days, hence I just grabbed any long sleeved article which caught my eye, apparently which was this white top.

Then, of course I went along with plan and studied with Joey (: love studying with her, it's always mad hilarious. Somehow it always makes me more eager somehow to do even better, and beside Joey is the closest, closest friend I have. So anyway, she left early so I was stuck doing my work and I was really thinking how horrible revision is. But I was happy with what I had accomplished (even if it's seems rather insignificant to those mugger out there) I was planning on leaving late but in the end, mum called so we went to eat dinner.

The shocking thing was we went to fly kite. Yes, I went to fly kite. I'm rather amused at the fact I went for the idea as well. Was busy flaunting my photographic skills and just well, reflecting on kite and life. HAHHAHA. I flew a kite for the second time though it was rather fail because I kept letting it drop lower and lower...

Went to Jp after that. Was rather upset at first. I finally remember why I closed up; there were a few times some people ask me when was the first or the reason I did. To be honest, I’m not sure what truly triggered it but I guess it builds up. The countless times of being disappointed, no matter what happened. The mixed feelings of jealousy and yearning must have ate me a little and a little till that ice exterior found within me. Cold would be my comfort. Crystals will be my tears. Heart made of shards. I don't expect things to go my way, expectations spoil everything. Don't ruin my nightmare I’m dreaming.

( hahaha, i thought of this when i was at the ice shop, a bit down and all. So yeps)

For some reason, i was hoping i would not see you all. At the same time i was hoping i would. But like i told joey, it was rather conflicting even for me to figure it out. But the amazing thing was, I had no idea whether you would be. There was tugging feeling as i looked down at that restaurant. You weren't there yet, and i just dismissed that thought. Later that day, i was feeling down and wanted to shop around to cheer myself up ( pathetic i know, but since cheery sms-es doesn't work it was the only thing i thought of) when i felt that familiar tug again. I looked down and i see you all there. I was pretty shocked.

I called pril, but she didn't pick up and i didn't exactly want to shout, plus sound travel up not down. As i stood there waving at you all, the faces so familiar look back at me, that shocked expression i could not forget. That nostalgic feeling hit me again, i really miss lifegroup a lot. ):

I came down to see you all, smiles and grin. It felt weird, as though the upset feelings just disappeared. I felt strangely fitting in. Ironic as it has been, it was only sj i talked to.. and itself was surprising.

and came home and shared Christ with a guy. How cool.

Oh well. I love today ♥

To you

Thank you for walking this long path with me.

You never fail to make me smile,

and every concern you had for me will always welled the tears inside.

I hadn't realize time past so fast, and before long,

we had to say goodbye.

But had I really been grateful?

Stubborn nature and willful spirit

always lead me to do things according to my own ways.

had it been so long?

When was the last thank you i had said to you for

all that you did?

Time erodes away memories, names, faces.

I hope the cruelty of it won't wash away the

words you had spoken to me.

You had left an impact in my life,

something i might one day forget,

but not right now.

You and I both love watching clouds.

I had never told you.

But clouds reminded me of what lies ahead.

Each cloud is different and unique in its own way.

You can never catch a cloud, for it flee too soon.

It signify something more, not of the imminent rain.

even if it block the sunshine,

it held endless of possibilities.

And that even if it was to rain,

clouds tell me that so long as i change my view.

There will always be a rainbow waiting for me.

you had showed me the ray of sunshine

in those rainy days.

breathe and breathe even more.

thank you.

To you,

it will always be an endless

stream of gratitude.

I'll miss the times.

Je t'aime Jesus

Sometimes I wonder how things are made,

the beauty of nature, the rising skyscrapers.

down to the very detail, You make everything possible.

so when i look at the sky today,

will i see my blessed Creator?

the one who created the clouds, the one who created miracles

and gave me hope.

As i walked down this path,

the sun is setting, my footsteps felt heavy.

When i lost my way, i'm crying out.

Oh would You please guide me home,

get me back to where the heart resides.

My heart is torn apart,

wrenched by the heaviness of this world.

Shine Your light to those stormy days,

You are the rays of Hope on those weary souls.

Holding me by Your hand,

I'm walking home with

You, side by side.

Je t'aime Jesus

Walk two moons

I love that line. It was a book i fell in love with.

Hmm. Nothing to do much at home, just moping around, feeling sick.

I did something i regretted yesterday but yeah..

Updates!

Have been having attacks much, though still haven't found the root cause of it. so all i can do is pray for healing and just continue to not do things that make me act up. Which although seemed rather stupid, cause it means absolutely no running and jumping, and all other fun stuff which i love to do. Haiz. But can't help it right, since i'm getting way a lot of scolding cause of my reckless behavior. Reminded me of what mel said about me, I'm not exactly depending on people anymore but i can't depend on people to always constantly care about me if i don't even first, care about my own health issues.

Yeps. A friend once told me that i was a total introvert. It doesn't mean i'm anti social, but i'm just not someone who open up to people. HAHAHAH that friend called me a glue for always sticking to her. But still thanks char, for every one of those moments.

+Exams are fast approaching. I don't feel prepared at all. Gah.

I wonder if I ever cross your mind. even for that few minutes.

I will remember this moment

There had been lots of gathering during the holidays. Quite fun all of them.

But yet, my attacks still haven't went away..

~

I saw her standing there. She was wearing black. I have no idea what made her stood out from the crowd. But as the people that past by, i can't help but wonder she looks familiar. Somehow it seems the people that past by us, started to slow down or has time begin to halt?

She turned around, walked towards me. I can hear the echoes of her footsteps. which was appalling considering we are standing on a busy street, with overwhelming number of people and it was pretty much chaotic. But i can still hear it all the same. The sound of her footsteps. Her hands slowly reaching up, pointing at me.

I felt a strange sensation. Then as i looked around, i found myself chained. Somehow, i couldn't move at all and she was still coming closer. Closer and closer. i tried to move away, but i can't. It was as though somehow things start to pale, and all i see is her. My legs couldn't move, they became so stiff.

She pointed at my leg and raised her hand.

My leg moved according to her. I had no power or control it anymore. I stared in fright. Muttering to myself, move! stupid leg, move. but no matter how hard i try, it won't move. It was as though it has its own will and it is only listening to her.

I was no longer on the busy streets. But on those shiny operating table. I feel so exposed. There was only one light shining down on me. I no longer see her. But i still feel her presence, Tears stained my cheek. "go away" a bare whisper flew past my lips. "stop controlling me."

She came into view once more, she laughed. Her sinister laugh send a chill down my soul. Breaking whatever left of me.

"what are you saying? I am you." The light shone at her face, and i saw those hollow eyes staring back me. I was staring at a person who has a striking resemblance of me. No, she is me.

That's when there was a black out. The voices, they kept coming at me. sneering at me. Laughing.

"Stop it. Stop it. stop it. Get out of my head."

And i snapped out of it.

Leave me a note before goodbye..

Hai!

Got so lazy of doing physics... so shall post first bah before i go back to doing it. zzt.

I started using weibo more! It's awesomeeee, the chinese quotes that i found posted up are so beautiful...

She's leaving tomorrow... somehow it's tugging hard at my heartstrings..

it never felt this way with my parents.. they come and go for business or vacation but

she's not them. She's the closest person to me... and i just can't stand the fact she's leaving.. it felt like something

is going to be missing from me. That's just how much she means to me.

Prepared to wake up early to send her off.

Today was fun!! I think the first time we ever went out together.

6 of us! it was utterly hilarious.. been a long time since i ever laughed so much..

And i realize this is probably one of the rare moment where i went out without initiating one.

It was nothing much, just lunch and a bit of hang out. But it was still niceee.

Gushing over guys ( not me.. but well yeah, jy and sam was hilarious)

It was supposed to be lzy, evil line and me, but somehow we managed to gather more people.

Conversation flew, and it was just so hilarious, and at the same time, it makes me rather weird.

I mean i do love it all.. but this is one of those times that i went without cat. I miss her.. :(

Then evil line and I took almost the whole red line back home.. a journey of more than 1 hour :O

But still, even that was fun.. and i realize my childhood got spoiled by trn and evil line... D:

Sad can.. lzy didn't listen of course.. but it took me quite long to realize the whole thing..

my brain hasn't been processing much stuff well..

i even fell asleep while i was showering... and when i was cleaning up my room, i remembered

she was telling me she will tidy and i stoned for literally 5mins before processing it..

Hahaha! Falling sick again.. but oh well. Just a few more questions and i'm off to bed.

I really miss lifegroup a lot. The talk with joyce just make me miss them even more. But the feeling of

being detached from it all, is just overwhelming. And when i start thinking i stop mattering, God, thank You

for reminding me again that I'm needed. By the people in my life. I just never stop loving You even more. ♥

I don't know what i'm really feeling, i found it hard to explain to joyce itself. But it just felt an odd

chord struck whenever I'm there. Was it jealousy? Doubts just formed in my mind.. making me wonder

whether do i really fit in this puzzle..

Parting note, thank God i haven't had much of panic attack. (:

Shall just leave you with what He said to me.

It's something i found on FB.. but i found it applied.. so...

On this day of your life, Daphne, we believe God wants you to know ... that you matter.

People need you. People you love and even people you have never met are depending on you. You matter to God as well. No one else can be the person you were created to be. Do not think for a minute that you are not important; - the world needs you. God needs you.

love

daffy♥