Peek a boo at my world

So here goes my long awaited post.

Results for common test 2 has been back quite awhile ago, can't say I'm not disappointed at chem, but at the very least i improved for all my subjects~~ except for physics and general paper ): There's a lot more work to be done... and i still think i'm weak at chem, math (statistic), physics (definition, waves,superposition and all), econs (macro-globalization) Yup, got a lot work to be done. But at the very least, I'm proud to say that I really did better, perhaps.. it was just all the studying waiting for baby bah~
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I realize i've been really depressed/down lately. Can't help it uh.. I just keep running into emotional stuff and I guess i just keep breaking down, crying myself to sleep. Hopefully.. *cross fingers* it will end today. Don't wanna go to sleep crying le D: Damn tiring and all... 2 hours of sleep can kill. But i guess i work out everything and i'm gonna go full steam ahead. I just cleared binomial just now. Gonna clear measurement and kinematic tomorrow and hopefully chem bonding? My progress is damn slow D: But at least I know that it is still progressive. And that is something i should work towards.. instead of procrastinating.. *twirl finger.. guilty~~*
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I just read finish along for the ride - sarah dessan, walking disaster - jamie mcguire. Heheheh, i got the two books too, beautiful disaster and walking disaster. Damn damn happy. Andddd i found out a recipe that requires no oven~~~ mug cake!! heehehe, shall bake one for baby one of these days *smiles* Oh oh oh, and i learn how to stitch!!! And literally stitch a stitch, and baked chocolate stitch. I swear the amount of stitch is just crazayyyyyy~~ Neh mind, i dont mind doing it.. hehehe xD I really need to read more books, falling back in love with reading books again, and i need more colour pens. I swear the number of colour pens i have.. are just too little...

Walking Disaster

okay, i was at popular today reading the book i always adore : walking disaster.

It was like a male part to the version of beautiful disaster. Reading it always make me feel really nostalgic.. really heavy somehow.. maybe it's just the way the emotions were brought out.. Travis is a pure disaster of his own, he's a messed up person.. Abby and him always have so much to work out...

-spoiler-
thinking back, just how did Abby trust that Travis would stay faithful to her..? How did they even figure out the whole meeting finance meets? Granted that Abby is damn lucky when it comes to cards and Travis is damn good at fighting.. but was that how their children are gonna grow up.. in the world of violence..? And they just went to marry..

I just feel so in love with just how crazy they are for each other, all the messed up love, all the adrenaline rush   through when they were figuring out whether they would break their platonic friendship just to go one step further.. and knowing that the other party may not return that feeling unnerves them.
-end of spoiler-

Isnt that how love is? the whole worrying about whether the other party would return, how scared you are that he/she will hurt you. how terrible frightened you will get if all you get is just your feelings played.. how messed up your head/ thinking get when your very actions is always pulled by him/her, how your feelings are no longer of your own to call, but his/her to possess.

You spend your days staring at your phone, wondering if he/she will call/text, wondering if they miss you as much as you misses them. Whether they will even care/love deeply as much as you do to them, wondering whether your actions is too clingy, too possessive, too selfish, too immature.. too not right for him/her. You wonder whether always making the first move makes you tired, you wonder whether your enough will ever be enough.. you wonder this, you think about that.

but then again, maybe im just a sucker for chick romance.. but i like these series unlike others is not because of how the girl like the guy, the guy like the girl, they go through a few breakup, problems and patch and live happily ever after, no.

they didnt.

They went through crazy times, of forcing out uncomfortable truth, they went through temptation of reality.

i guess that's what they always say, life makes love looks hard, the stakes are high, the water's rough. but this love is ours.

a ponder

to summarize, i really love my june holidays a lot. Catch up with lots of friends heheh.. oh well i cheated though, met marilyn before school holiday started.

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meeting her brought bittersweet memories of being in lg.. the whole complex situation, i was afraid of letting her know that i was attached.. i was scared of being judged again.. after the whole period of doubting and people telling me how my feelings would get played.. i just couldn't stand either a close friend of mine telling me that it won't last.. did tell her in the end, and surprisingly she gave her blessings.. was really. really touched.. and i will only see her next year or something HAHAHA. due to our busy life.. 

˜ 02 june

met with joes after with her "boyfriend", i still feel weird whenever i see them together, but i would always always from the bottom of my heart, support them be it whatever they have been through.. maybe because i have always wanted this best friend of mine to receive the happiness she deserve, no matter what form it comes in.. she deserves it.. was talking to her about ced.. and was wondering still whether it was ever right to go into a relationship with him.. whether we would last.. left that day feeling no more puzzled than I already am...

˜03 june

went out with baby the next day.. was a short while..he accompanied me to the hospital appointment.. and at that time i really felt so blessed to have him next to me..despite my nervousness.. i guess i just never like going to see the doctor.. even worse when I'm alone.. as my thoughts would literally kill me.. but i guess he.. being there, really helped. :) 

~04 june

went with jaz to watch epic! hehehe, first time going out with her, was really weird but nice.. the first person i talk to when i come to this foreign school.. and the one in og i still keep contact with.. sharing about things with her always make me feel happy... glad to know this cheerful kid. =) after that, was called down by joes to go study, oddly enough, she still remains the best studying partner i could ever have, while talking to her, started talking about the future.. and makes me really wish somehow i could last with ced...

˜05 june

went to school.. for physics.. quantum physics.. was refreshing to see the class. hehehe.. but tiring nevertheless.. the whole brain was fried by the end of lesson.. and still have to clear up for the class. haish.. always getting bullied by them i swear.. went to meet gab, ruth and corrine after that, was late though.. throughout that, all i was talking to was to gabby and asking him about how to care for my boyfriend even more.. always feel that I'm not giving enough.. hahahs... ruth and corrine eavesdropped.. nearly got caught.. i guess till then.. I'm still nervous about this relationship.. and it was really fun teaching corrinne math! hehehe. met with rekhy after that, haven't seen that girl for the longest time ever, after we separated class in secondary 2, i surprisingly got closer to her.. i guess with us having the same experience, was really crazy.. but somehow it was still nice to have met up with her.. and filling her in on drama.. love this girl.. 

˜07 june

lessons after lessons.. was really drained after chem and math.. saw her.. but it still ache nonetheless.. but i won't do anything anymore.. i always feel like laughing at myself for even have been so close.. than to have fell away so bitterly.. the signs were there.. she has always give off the same vibes as the other her.. who was I to deny my own gut feelings... went with patricia and soul sister to watch after earth˜˜ it was nice :D :D really enjoyed that movie.. action packed and all.. went to finish up chem after that in the library.. 

˜08 june

met up with jingsui early in the morning~ was late though.. :x was just talking about being in a relationship.. sometimes i still think its odd how i know so much about zk without even being close to him.. lol.. it was always nice meeting her.. and just filling her in on my life, makes me look forward to every monday so much..  Then met with anna and watch at any price. Was nice meeting her again after such a long time.. one year plus..?

˜11 june

was sistarrrrrr outing˜˜˜ finally met char after so long.. was just walking around, shopping hehehe. went to play arcade. beat the high score for basketball HEHEHHEE. and played car racing, i remembered baby was teaching me how to use drift.. but still can't catch the hang of it.. oh well~took neoprints.. been damn long since i ever took them and it still looks damn chio when i take it when them.. of course,  throughout the whole day.. was missing baby.. haha i even took out foolscap to write out the solutions for him and teach him.. went to met joe after that, the few primary school friend i still keep in contact with, even though we are in the same school now, it still is hard to meet up, and i guess I'm glad she's doing well, in her walk with God and all.. was happy to see she got over her ex.. though it was still sad how it all ended.. 

~12june 

met up with joyceeeeee˜˜ been long since i met up with her too!! and ohmygoshhhhhh all the stuff she got for me, and still spazzing over the green dress, and the shoes, and the bag˜˜˜ and of course the meal she treated me, always feel happy to go out with her too... i guess i can always get perspective about the world from an adult eh? 

˜13 june

the day i was really looking forward throughout my whole june holiday. the meet up with UN. or rather NSH now.. but the gossip hehehe, they're still the same as ever, will never imagine how i cope with my relapses and everything without this 9 friends/sisters of mine.. and even though we promised to dress nicely, we still sit like we were back in sec school.. oh where were the days..

*yawn* i wish to continue.. but work calls for me...  what i need to finish now is math revision package, redo my binomial, normal tutorials.. finish up on econs.. start on econs essay.. start on physics.. do my chem satt and do 2012, 2011 chem ct2 papers.. yep.. a lot of work to do...

It looks a lot like love

was reading through my secondary school posts and thinking about what have been happening for the past few days...

I.. have realized.. that the layers of myself that I've been discovering, one by one, I'm peeling them off.. remind me of the poem we had to analyze, of how they depicted love as an onion. HAHAHA. Okay.. anyway..

I was thinking of how emo I used to be, depressed.. rejecting every single care and concern, pushing people away.. or the time I was so damn bitchy about people.. vulgar.. violent.. all that slowly fade away.. like a layer I had peel off.. But it had left me scars, leaving me afraid to trust people.. and  that leaves me to ponder much.. soulmate ask me today, "it leads me to wonder just how many people do you truly trust.."

Do I even have the answer to that..

Come a new school, a new environment.. I was happy for awhile, when all that slowly fades away as I let insecurities, paranoia seeps into it. I was in a relationship, i was foolish to have plunged head on, knowing fully the consequences, up till now, I haven't regretted it but it has also made me question what is truly love, and whether did I truly love the guy.. Yes he has been there for me, taken care of me, that I'm grateful for. But to say that was love.. maybe it hadn't been. The events that occurs after that, led me bitter and perhaps to a certain extent, anger and hatred towards it.
~ ~ ~

I found someone unexpectedly in my cca. One that loves music just as crazily as I do, one that do just about the most craziest that I do, one who's just as emotional as me. I'll write about him in another post or so. But for now, let's just say, it looks a lot like love.

Screw Logic

I haven't posted awhile but today, or rather recently, I have been really really exhausted. Physically, emotionally and mentally.

People question after awhile, why is your life so drama, why are you so emotional.

Hence the post today; why up till today, I choose emotions over logic
~

Emotions.
Many would not agree or at least won't comprehend why I am so emotional. Emotions makes me who I am, they're a part of me, to ask me to not care, to not empathize, is perhaps to take the me out of me.

Why even up till today, i care so much about the people who hurt me, who might not care about me, is basically because I am not them. Logic will tell anyone, once they have been hurt enough, it's time to let go, to move on, to walk away. I won't, not because there isn't a choice, but because I believe in the good of people. I'm not an optimist, but i do believe in chances.

My soulmate would say " you believe in giving infinite chances"

Indeed, that is my very character. Emotions give me what others won't experience, the joy, the happiness I get, not just from being with people, just looking at things, and crafting words, thoughts out, it's not emo per se, but rather it's because i feel, that's why i feel blessed to be in this life. Because i feel, that's why I am able to see so much more, not just the physical of things, but to look beyond.

Ask a logical person, they will tell you the pros and cons. They will tell you that it is only worth fighting for if the benefits outweigh the costs, I'm not calling them heartless creature, they are rational, they will look towards the facts, the statistics. I will say, emotional people will tell you this, you only live once, forgo the rules for once, not because we are stupid, not because we love breaking law, others call us reckless, impulsive, but you know something, we are the one that will go beyond the extra mile, we will be the one fighting and breaking free, because that's us. You cannot chain an emotional person with logic, they will writhe and struggle, they will be the one walking in the rain, they will be the one dancing in the sunshine, they will be the one at the end of it all, to drop everything of theirs, to find you if they find out you need them.

Not because they have nothing on, not because there is nothing important even if they tell you so, but because even if every single clue, every warning sign and logic tells them it's not worth it, they will look you in the eyes and say, "fuck logic"

I live with emotions because I may regret what i do, but i will never regret what I feel. Because i care, i love, i empathize, I feel so much more. Even if every single one ridicule me for being a fool for going through all this hurt and pain, i will tell them, i will look at each one of my scars, my memories and still I am thankful for them. Because they are what make me who i am today, standing tall, maybe not proud of my own life because of my actions, but thankful and utterly blessed to meet all the people in my life. They taught me so much more, they gave me so much more. Their words, their actions, form a part of me that even if life rewinds, even if chances were given to change anything of the past, I won't. Because of my emotions, I have been a better person than who i can be.

Emotions may be my weakness, but it is definitely my strength. I believe this quote came from the Bible, but it means more than just religion or christianity, it has kept me going ever since.

"for it is when i am weak, that i am strong"

A friend ask, you mean when you are at your lowest, you turn around and that's what makes you stronger? I replied no. What i meant was your weakness is your strength. That's the whole main point. Us being scared of this and that, what do we do with them? we run, we fight, we avoid, there's so many things we could do.

For me, i used to be very fearful of rejections, confrontations, any form of emotion that can come directing at me, i hated it. I hated how my emotions may be too much, because of that I had pushed a lot of my friends away, and maybe a lot of them had also walked away too.

I did get better from there, my fears slowly becoming something that I accept. It's not that I don't fear such stuff anymore, I still do. I don't know whether I fear them any lesser than before, but one thing I did, I had learnt to not be afraid of my fears. That's what I meant your weakness, that part of you that you are fearful of, that you won't let anyone see, that so called monster, that ugly side of you. That raw emotions that you build up, I'm sure everyone has them, some wear it on the sleeves, some hid it, some chained them which later becomes another one of their personality, a so called split personality. They are our fear, our weakness.

I can probably hear the snickers and sarcasm, so how would our fear, our weakness ever be our strength? My emotions makes me who I am today, they make me stronger, they make me weaker. It's a two sided coin, there are different perspective of how we can look at things. And to see and condemn our weakness and say that, that's all there is to them. Isn't that belittling yourself, just a little bit too much?

I believe in searching for yourself. I believe in hoping, in finding strength in your weakness, in accepting that you are weak and strong at the very same time. I am weak, yes, for my emotions overwhelm me, makes me drained and tired real easily, but at the very same time, I am strong, because I have my emotions, i can feel pain, sorrow, anguish, joy, happiness, bliss and the most important thing, gratefulness. Because I am emotional, i can empathize, i can see that i am not alone in this world that is suffering, that is living. I am breathing today.

A logical person will tell you this, overcome your weakness.

I'm gonna say this: Embrace your weakness.

Logic only take one so far, it is emotions that spur us further and take us on our path, they carve and make our walk so much more. And maybe I would like to say, I'm glad I never gave up on being the emotional me, because if I had, I probably won't meet the person that meant so much to me now, and I am glad that the very emotional me has meet the very emotional you, the one I call my soulmate.
~

And i think i will say it once more, screw logic.

When the world smiles, the daggers stab

Yesterday ended one of the 2 years I have in guitar ensemble, it's not the official step down, but it might as well be, since after this, it's just elections and that's about it..

Syf ended, I would not say I was exactly proud of my efforts I put in, but what's over is over, there's not much point whining about the past. And that also concluded my last performance on syf stage, and probably my last performance as a performer unless some miraculous event happen.. 

Last year barbeque, was filled with the hanging out of mostly the guitar excos, laughing so hard just buying materials.. crashing president's house and watching him close his door on us just to tidy up his room, screaming like nobody's business at the ocean, lying on the grass and discovering your friend is allergic to grass.. watching your friend chopped ice with the potential of being a murderer.. and so much more.. though i left early... but at that time, the happiness was easier to see, easier to feel..

This year barbeque, we celebrated 2 of our guitar friends' birthday, the whole process of lighting and relighting cake sure is remember, involving the scalding of finger and wax dripped on skin. Talk about pain.. and i felt left out as time passes on, as though i have no right to join in the fun anymore, i was slowly feeling as though their eyes are piercing me, judging me. Feelings are overwhelming, and while i was buying drinks with the closest guy friend i could possibly have, a brother that watched out for me for the past 2 year, president. I broke down. I couldn't stand the way people assumed, the fact i was actually protecting the person that hurt me, that traumatized me down to the very core. I was shaking, i was finally able to breathe and admit to myself, at the very end of it, i was deeply hurt.

I couldn't describe the feeling.. of how yesterday night went. The amount of sadness mixed in with happiness after a water war started by one of the junior and I. And how okay i felt when i see him send another girl's home, it wasn't that I'm jealous, but i was honestly okay with it.

When i look back, can i still look back at you who like me so and smile? will we be together even then? 

the wind that blow once rarely blow twice

Concert is coming..
I have successfully ended orientation, thankfully i have not acted up during the camp itself but during rehearsal, whichever case, I am glad that i have forged new bonds and relive my times when i was in orientation. Never did i regretted it, things may not have gone as plan, but my 2 ogl partners, i sincerely know was there for me and helped make og27 who they are today, needless to say my og was all i could ever wish for.
Today, went out to buy stuff for concert, it was really weird since I realized that i'm starting to take on the same roles i took when i was back in choir. Yet the stress still hasn't hit home yet, maybe it was caused i refused to care that much anymore or because i simply given in to apathy itself. That I never wish to happen, sure empathy has always been the best part of me, the price itself is not one i would wish to pay.

while having dinner with my non-existent bf, i mean he is not exactly my bf, he was trying his hardest to not be one either, but it was indeed funny and awkward. While sharing on the problems of cca and life itself, i really wonder just why it was so uncomfortable whenever i mentioned about anything to do with me. I mean i can recount events perfectly, but when it comes to my own thoughts and feelings, it's like a barrier that i cannot breach. I never did tell him the truth and with that, i'm really apologetic.

Truth to be told, I've been having recurring nightmares and was visibly shaking/trembling when i was in the presence of guys, it's just that it was never really that obvious when we eat in fast food, as i always use the crowd to make me feel better and would try to avoid contact, subconsciously. My past, still haunts me. With my bf, it seems like that barrier was broken, but for how much intimacy can i go, i do not know. And that scare me itself.

when it comes to groups/clique, i will always feel left out, and given the chance, i will just drift, drift as i possibly can, its not that i love being alone, i hate that feeling of loneliness, call it attention seeking, its just that much that i want to feel wanted, to feel cared for. And the other hand of protection, i care about others, but not myself as much, to the point where i left many to tread on me, so carefully i hid my heart, so when people start to grow closer, the further i would move away. For fear, knowing fully that loneliness would bring about depressing thoughts, but pain itself of any emotional scale would bring me buckets of tear.