Ain't nothing but a heartache

so 2017 has seen me actually exercising, though it has been so shitty at first because unfit me aches all over, like I'm aching in places I didn't even know was possible, like who knew you need your side abs to help you balance, I mean not like I'm good in balance but each immediate day after gym sees me wobbling around and falling around since it is too painful for me to brace myself to keep myself stable. But each time is definitely getting easier, and I begin to feel weird if i were to skip any gym session. (This should not be used as blackmail material for anybody, especially cough a particular human being that stays with me. I will and shall continue to whine each time i have to hit the gym) Also, for this week cardio is added! I'm actually quite surprised to see my body more toned (which shouldn't be possible since it's only been like a few sessions but hey, i'm not complaining) and I feel like I'm such a healthy human being. HAHAHA cross my fingers to me surviving this.

well one part of me dreaded seeing you since you will be around school, I feel like I'm always spending my school semester beside the first year avoiding people but I don't know how to explain to anyone how I feel when I saw you. There was many foreign feelings, apprehensive? hurt? awkward? sadness? There was a part of me that is definitely angry, I have my own principles and this make it harder for me to let go of all these feelings. I mean others around me just feel that I might be making a big deal out of it, or like that we will somehow work things out. But I really can't bring myself to do it. You hurt more than just me and that is something i will never be able to stand. Even talking about you just brings back all those sourness. I took such a fucking long time to walk out of that shadow, the overwhelming emptiness that oppresses me. The belief that I could be better, that someone could have done this better keeps haunting me each day and night. I couldn't say I regret it, I couldn't tell you that if thrown back to the past, I would not make the same choice and make you do the same as well. But I can't tell you how much there was so many conflicts in me that I spent each night resolving, how sometimes I lose. I lose when I started shutting myself out, I lose when I refuse to talk to anyone beside a trusted few because I was so damn scared to lose anybody again, to be betrayed again. I don't know how to tell you how I feel when someone recognize me as the camp director or when someone tell me that people enjoyed the camp. I don't feel a sense of pride, i don't think the price I paid, the efforts that was put in, would ever feel justified. But I have learnt to slowly be at peace with myself and try to accept a few things at a time. There was no major injuries, and that was something I could breathe easy about. There was no complaints so there was no questioning thrusted to the committee or the seniors and for that I could not be more grateful considering the saga that was looming on our heads. As I scroll through social media and see the groups of seniors or freshmen or orientation groups that are still staying strong, I learn to be less harsh on myself about the camp and how much I felt like I failed it. Nevertheless there will always be things that still resurface but I am stronger now and I will never forget this journey.

phew. that was so hard for me to write. I never thought I would be able to open up about it, but you will be surprised by how much time and support can do.

hey pumpkin
i wonder why i suddenly feel so desolated. I know i shouldn't feel this way but it feel like these days it's getting harder and harder to find a reason to go on. I have actually contemplated suicide and leaving things/people behind in an orderly fashion. And that thought make me really pained inside because as much as it is getting harder to find meaning for things, for people, for life, it is also getting hard to tear apart all those things i have build together, people's confidence that I have worked on. I wonder then pumpkin, did I make any impact in any. Have i became someone who wants to be remembered even just for a little while, because i fear oblivion. But pumpkin, there's another state that makes me more afraid than another, it's being unfathomable.

whiskey dont judge

it's a throb, sometimes a beat louder, sometimes a distant tick
I do not know what i'm missing or what is empty but I know
that I feel detached from you, from everyone. When it hits,
I know. That the monster got me tonight. That I lost.
I should probably say sorry, but each day I'm clawing at my skin
to be okay. I picked at my scabs, wound getting deeper, I wonder
whether you could see, that I am still hurting.

I took the way out to make way for you. I hate that. I hate it when
I'm the one cast aside. It's a painful reminder that the red criss cross
that mark my skin are my own pain and my darkness to wallow. For
this is my grave that I dug, and this is where I place our friendship.

I used to believe i was impenetrable until i met you.

Cluttered mind

somehow there is something wrong with chrome in my laptop, which makes work utterly frustrating since this is also the period of time when most submissions are due. This has now been a case of me resorting to use russ' lappy till i get mine fixed or whenever i dragged my lazy ass down to get it fixed. Speaking of submission, the recent one left me utterly disappointed and frustrated with the work attitude of people. Probably vowing never to work with the particular group again.

Work work work, guess who is struck with food poisoning. It is i, the ever sick girl. I haven't had food poisoning in a very long time, granted there were times of bad diarrhea and all, but ugh, this time round was full blown projectile. That left me utterly vulnerable and shitty about myself the whole entire time. I hate to say it but whenever i'm sick, it's like my confidence level takes a blow as well as i remember all the times when i really needed care and concern most, only to be shrugged aside by the people I'm closest to, perhaps that has triggered me to not love myself as much too.
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I later found out my chrome and safari had adwares. Gasp. Somehow i panicked at the idea of not being able to use my computer to do work, but just once i wished i dont have to rush through assignments and could take a break then i realize i give myself quite a lot of room for procrastination such as chionging my references and appendix on the day of deadline. Gah. I need proper time management, that, all my panic button is like currently on auto shutdown.
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I don't know why but I'm at a stage where I'm comfortable spending my life either in solitude or with one favourite human being. It scares me that I dont feel worried that things may end but maybe it's because I have finally allowed myself to hope a little that things wont go wrong this time round and that even if fights do occur, this would not end. But meh, shall not jinx myself here.
- gah. I'm supposed to write my 500 words report. WHAT AM I DOING.

so le boyfriend was stating that i havent posted in a long while. I find it hard to begin speaking about the past events that transpired during summer. It felt like a painful wound that I still trying to embrace each day.

Well I had always look forward to this semester because I can finally do stuff that I wanted to do (yey!) It's tiring af, because there are so many field trips and reports to write gah. And unearthly hours means my sleep cycle is officially fucked. But hey, still holding on. Been at a loss recently because as much as i love field trips, observing species, identifying them, I absolutely hate reports. And sadly it also means that I might not be very suitable to go into research field and thus leave me rather at a loss of where to go, and it's absolutely frightening because my life in uni may very well be coming to an end, and oh god, I'm not sure i'm ready for workforce or even settling down or start a family. It seems so surreal. Five years ago, I was still in secondary sch and now i'm on my way to paying for my bills.

So last night shook me really hard, maybe it's just I havent really like broke down in awhile. It's a bit exposing kindda feeling, I guess cause well after depression hits, I found it unable to cry and all, then I got a little bit better. So yes yesterday, well it was just a passing remark if anything. But I DON'T KNOW. I GOT REALLY REALLY UPSET AND HURT. Maybe it's because it's 2am emotions and all, but I guess I just really just well, crumbled unfortunately right before a field trip. But I guess everything works out so I'm a happy pill albeit a little okay fucking shag. Which probably means a good night sleep

Speaking of sleep, so recently I have seen many many couples fighting. Call it the summer of breakup spillover or anything. But just feel like as I counsel the couple after another, I unconsciously compare them to mine and I'm just like, is it really difficult? It's hard to find someone who share mutual affection as you so why is there such insistence on pride that you guys just can't let go..? But meh, not my place to really comment much also, thankful that at least my clique doesn't have that much rar rar

I am getting lazy to update   i think it's time for me to start doing work HAHAHA. procrastination game strong, till next time my faithful readers

Feels

we were licking wounds
as though we could heal the other
picking on scabs, inflicting more pain on the scars.

you are hopeful, your moods i thought i was handling
i had wished for nothing but the best for you
yet it felt like i was speaking but no one listening
your concerns i took,
my woes, my sorrows
you trampled.

we stood by each other
drowning in alcohol and sorrow
there was many times i thought
this was it
but how was it that a few nights
tore apart everything.
did i never once know you?

i got my wishes
as i stood on the outside
of your world
walls fenced up
as you stood on the mighty chair
as i feed on the scraps you sometimes throw

you left that one day
without a word to me
yet an essay to others
you left that day
bringing my trust with you.