reminiscence

I miss university. It didnt really hit me until I went back on tuesday.
I thought I would have gotten over it since I started work few months back but I guess it's always different when you no longer live in school.
So here goes the list of missing:

• I miss taking the bus and squeezing with the crowd all the way to the door
• I miss cursing at the bus uncle for his questionable driving skills
• I miss the wait at the bus stop where it will be jam packed full of strangers, people you wanna avoid and of course, friends.
• I miss the queues in canteen, the long dreadful queues and I miss the cheap prices
• I miss the fact that everything is always interconnected and it felt like you are going to some secret passageway that only a few people know about
• I miss the dreadful long lab sessions where it only seem like science students are the only ones that have dreadful timetable
• I miss field trips where we get to go anywhere and everywhere, and learn so damn much from the teaching assistants and professors
• I miss hall.
• I miss hall events, even though i'm not supposed to attend any but i still crash most of them
• I miss studying in study room, where everybody hogs their stuff everywhere and you are always semi-panicky whether your stuff will get thrown away
• I miss the late nights suppers jio. Like what is fats even
• I miss cheer, i miss just sitting there and being there with the team even though i'm not flying nor am I doing anything useful beside taking videos or playing music.
• I miss complaining about hall food, about the cmi food or the once in awhile, chicken chop that always runs out by 6pm.
• I miss doing laundry or yelling at russ for not doing laundry. 
• I miss the 20 cents scramble so I can dry my laundry
• I miss hall lounge, the late night studying there, the weird stench that rakes the room
• I miss hall lounge for the completely opposite reasons, for the drinking session there. For the so many laughters and the so many regrettable mornings after
• I miss skipping classes and the mad scramble to watch webcasts to make sure I'm still able to keep track with classes
• I miss free medical consultation whenever i just want to take mc.
• I miss arts laksa. Like best ytf ever. 
• I miss drinking in c111. HAHAHA questionable nights, and so much whiskeys and beers.
• I miss the sneaking around because I am not an official resident
• I miss dance. I miss dancing and complaining about the aches after
• I miss the bitching session, the horrible group mates and the support group that i have
• I miss falling asleep in classes and all the unglam photos that follow after
• I miss being close to people, when we can always just pop a few doors down to htht
• I miss netflix and chill, the feeling that someone will always be there to welcome me home
• I miss sleeping next to my favourite person or waking up to him
• I miss kicking him out of bed whenever his alarm rings because 8am classes what even. 
• I miss the times we locked each other out because there is only one damn key. 
• I miss the dreadful 88 steps after supper
• I miss waking up 30mins before class starts and rushing to get there on time
• I miss cooking in hall and having food poisoning after 
• I miss maggi party where we gouge on ice cream after
• I miss the 23:59 deadlines because procrastination always happen
• I miss the random ponning of class to go out and just have fun
• I miss camps, the cheers and the hthts moments
• I miss the random moments where my friend challenge me to pokemon battle
• I miss the days where pokemon go is crazy, where everyone is running around school just to catch that damn rare pokemon
• I miss sports complex because the only time i go there is take my exams and I always panic 
• I miss the indecisiveness on where and what to eat because even though there are so many canteens, but you pretty much empty out options pretty easily
• I miss the times where you can dye any colour and it will be perfectly acceptable because uni. 
• I miss my bright neon pink hair, where it is so easy for people to find me/recognize me
• I miss the days where I got injured and i still try to do stupid shit when I'm injured
• I miss of course the times where I grab to school just because. 
• I miss library and its intense atmosphere
• I miss schools event especially halloween because dress up sess. like what even. 
• I miss having subway so near and 1 or 2 cookies are never enough
• I miss the korean food near the mrt because it is so good
• I miss the times where you ever dress up is when you either have labs or presentation. 

I could probably go on forever. But it feels like the stuff people bitch about how dreadful school is, is probably what I end up missing the most. That and the people there. 

salt against the sky

my. I haven't wrote since the time when things were so bad emotionally.

It's Monday, I don't get the blues since I haven't found work. Well as far as blues go, i'm chilling in an empty house, with guitar music blaring and it's pouring outside. Somehow, this seems like the perfect weather for everything. I mean I love rain and all when i'm indoor all cosy up and i guess this also gave me my breathing space to do whatever I wanted.

where do I even begin. Things were bad emotionally and it took me forever to feel okay, and i think a part of me is still reeling in pain. While I do try my best to not let things bother me, but some days get the better of me and all i could do sometimes is to at least muster the courage and admit that there is something dreadfully wrong. Well at least under my breath and now, here. I did consider my options, to flee, to be counselled but instead, each day I stay, in my little cage, wondering when i would be okay.

Beside that, went for a short trip to perth and man. I am already hoping to be back as soon as possible. Though the living expenses are slightly painful, okay scratch that, really painful on the wallet but man, there was so much to see, so much to grasp, and of course, not to mention alcohol was cheap there. Highlight of the trip would most probably be whale watching, it reminded me of the time I saw dolphins for the first time, wild and free out in local water. I mean i just never thought i would ever see that and that took my breath away. Whales watching surprisingly came pretty close to that. Even though it was chattering cold, man i am glad that i bundled up like five layers just so I could watch these majestic creatures.

I am still not sure where I am going or where would i be. But for now, im grateful i am still okay despite everything that had happened.

I don't get why I still have hopes
and I don't know why I still get disappointed.
and this time, the disappointment seem to get bigger and bigger
-
I know you're trying
but I still can't seem to be okay
and it's always a wrestle to make sure that I dont end up
blaming myself for everything
-
Even though you ask whether i was truly okay with it
I can't help but lie
and said it's fine.

i take few step forwards and many leap backward
it always feel like this dance
i can't seem to keep up with the tempo
I'm not sure whether having you close to me is a mistake

but the most fucked up thing was that
you have mattered so much to me
that this incident
just drove me to my knees
on how much you meant to me
and i just can't begin to tell you
just how much i have tried. again and again.

to push it out of my mind.
i blame myself for the incident
there is this insecurity that now i can't shake away

are you still my love for the lifetime?

it's been a week since the incident happen

my mind still race with questions whenever I let it to

a part of me does not want to pursue it, afraid of what i will find if i ask too much

a part of me is just sick and tired of everything.

you were supposed to be my best friend

do they do this to each other?

i thought i had surprised you.
turns out you didnt bother much about whether i was there.

a pity we all grew up so fast

fifth semester, i am finally able to do things I want to do. to pursue the modules i want to and it was surprisingly a relief.
this semester seen me being a relationship counsellor. HAHA I mean it's something that I have been doing since god knows when,
but it just feels ironical whenever you see a couple going through the same phase as the other, not saying that all relationships are the same
but still.
here's to all the times spend consoling humans after humans. here's to also the most awesome TA i ever gotten and how he later ended up placing me
in marine lab and i could not be more thankful he was my TA.

I almost forgot to mention, fifth semester was also known as the great depression. I lost this uni clique of mine that I grew close to and it can't be helped since i fell out with one of my closest friend in uni. I think it will always haunt me, how one camp could turn a friendship upside down.
-
Sixth semester, most stressful semester because there is just so much riding on this semester. I keep thinking to myself whether i should graduate or should i just keep persisting on and seeing where it takes me. It is also the semester where i just snapped. Like I ended up being really pissed at pretty much everything because each assessment suddenly seem more stressful than usual. I used to think that behavioral bio is my calling but as i take it, i realize that is pretty much not the case. AHAHHAH, and surprisingly started
really loving taxonomy instead. And the sad thing of course, is how taxonomy is a dying field.
-
Last semester, i didn't know it was my last to be honest. I kind of went in this semester feeling 50-50 about everything. Future is still this great big unknown that I am unsure of, and scared of. Like it just feel responsibilities and the expectations to know exactly where you should be and want to be needed to be planned out right there and then. But instead of finding answer, i just have more questions, more doubts on whether this degree that I struggled my ass off is worth it. Whether i should have just fought to do veterinary instead, but seeing how irked out I was over bird dissection, i can't tell whether it was a better choice that I did not do. Volunteer at marine lab and it was ohmygoodness, really really something. I love going outfield, okay maybe not the sleep deprivation but it was really an eyeopener.
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then i started work. And life just pretty much seemed sucked out of me. aahaha i think a part of me was still not ready to let go of the undergraduate life and its partying. But the transition back home was surprisingly smoother so hopefully these hell weeks will pass.