Holding Strong

Went out with nat today!! Am a happy girl!!

Been so long since i last hang out with her. She's after all one of the LF ♥ Miss her a lot.. And lower sec life, there is never a time to be emo or upset, because there is always the sick minded Hasee, the one who talk abt food all day carmy, the battery hen who laugh non stop ama, the shopping freak jojo, the nerdy rekhy and of course the anime freak nat plus me the ducky! ))): Miss how we used to be so close!! NOT THAT WE ARE NOT CLOSE. But it was funnnn~~

Oh btwww.. My jap name is Kumori~ Little cloud (:

Sapphire chan came up with it!! I went to study with her yesterday! was funnnn~! I finish one paper and a half!! Heee. Hope to go out with her another time soon!! Can't wait to learn jap more and sign language! And she's awesome with her fingers... X. X i was so amazed by her skills.. hee. But then again she take piano so it's kindda expected too no?

I saw them, and for a moment or so, I was so afraid. Fear grabbed me, and i wonder why I even have the courage to say no. I guess I'm trying so hard to avoid you i guess. I just don't want those set of eyes, i can't handle it. worrying and carrying, and being so distant later.

Trust you break again and again, close i am getting, doors are locked, bottles are smashed. Tears are hidden, smiles are masked.

Nat gave me quite a lot of things to think of.
"You're not truly happy are you?" " Can tell one la,that something big happened to you, just don't know what."
"Your smiles are getting tighter and tighter."
"If you don't have anyone to turn to, you will crack you know. You are already showing signs of cracking"

nat invited me over to her church, should I?

Those forgotten smiles

I was feeling sick and absolutely tired, lazing around at home.

It's been 2 days since I went to school. It felt like a nice break.

I opened the biodata that we used to write in primary school.

As i was looking through it, a throb. A painful throb.

Why have things change so much.

Things were so simple back then,

I was happy. I had every reason to never give up

on smiling each day.
Even when i went up to other school,

I look at the pictures with jojo and per.

They were all smiles. Yes, those were happy times.

So why has it all changed so much.

Tears filled my eyes.

Thinking how much because of things that happened.

How much I had changed.

And how I yearned to walk out of this mess

and smile again

because the sun shine once more.

And your warmth filled me again.

I might have forgotten.

But please,

Walk with me.

Blinded Tears

I must proclaim. EXAMS. ARE. OVER.

well tentatively the major ones are not, but for now, it's time to relax a bit

and take a chill pill!!

Have we been so focused on running away,

and choosing not to admit what had went wrong?

Tears keep running and running,

it was making no sense.

I was after all made of flesh and blood,

emotions run through me.

Yet I haven't forgotten the basic.

That I still hurt, that i still care.

The numb feeling I use to live

In denial.

Had been scrubbed bare clean

You said you don't know me. I don't know myself either. How many layers I have.. how many layers I hide. What are my true feelings. When will one day I will put an end and said enough is enough. Question marks swirl in my head. Yes, you tried to understand me, you did. But you couldn't walk into my world. For tightly i shut.

I grasped tightly. curling my fingers together. I want to hold something, and never letting it go.

Whispering. Help.

Crouching at a corner, the tears seeped. I walked past you, wondering what's wrong.

I promised laoshi I will take care of someone from now on. Her problems i might not understand, but i can try to help.

Because right now, all i can do is hear her cries

Clustered Thoughts

Sometimes I wonder whether I would be able to overcome those attacks once and for all.

The marks left sting, a lot. The noises are getting too incoheerent,

or perhaps I have lost the sense of reality around me.

Instead of rotting my time with Chem,

I'm posting here, oh the irony.

I went again, somehow I feel weird every single time.

I wanted to belong so badly. But every single time.

I would stick out. Someone once asked,

why you suddenly turn so quiet and guai

when they came.

It's because that's when i put on a front.

The layers I conceal; too hard to bear

to take off everything to just break down.

It's not that I'm faking, but i just can't let

loose in front of people. It's getting hard

to be myself anymore.

I don't need help; I don't need a listening ear either.

Because trust has just been as elusive.

And words are better left unsaid,

as the thoughts run free,

Silently killing whatever hope I have left.

Deprived and yearning for care and concern.

Yet pushing everything away.

Sometimes I think I'm just too drama

and contradictory for my own good,

Instead of pondering over life's issues,

I should go back to equations and symbols.

They seem by far less intimidating and unknown.

A starting promise

I'm posting at unearthly time, but oh well.

I had not realized i was easily to read.

But you looked through me, despite the smiles I feigned.

I have no idea how much tears were shed today.

Or how many times i fell,

but i gritted my teeth just to get through most of it.

I haven't realized i closed up so much.

Each grin hurts. Each it's fine is a stab to me.

But i can't let you see the weak side of me,

I know how people say it's okay to let your guard down

and be yourself. But i just can't get past the stage.

I cry, but i won't cry in front of people.

so long as i haven't break, i can keep going on and on.

No matter how difficult it gets. But sometimes,

it gets too painful to get up, and that's when the blood swirl

and i stared at the stains I had caused.

I have no idea why people say i'm strong,

or a steel willed personality.

I'm not strong,

I seek strength to go through my life

and i am definitely blessed by the care

showered upon me like falling rain.

Give me awhile to make it alright.

I remembered your words.

Every single one of them.

I said i will keep them.I will.

Pinky promise.

Flicker of a smile

I live the cover of if i die young by Michael Henry & Justin Robinett.

It's totally awesome. the harmony is in sync and all..

On another note,

i have no idea when it happened, where I started smiling so much

thinking no one notice but apparently you did.

That's when you told me my smiles are too stiff to be real.

And i was afraid of letting my guard down

to even talk to another person.

It was the first time i finally realized why i kept going on.

Because i refuse to let myself down.

I don't want to ever let go of my own identity.

called it pride, called it self preservation.

You called it sheer will and determination

and how if others were in my shoes,

they probably have lost it already.

And that's when i realized.

I was really tired of holding on to many things.

so i'm lifting my hands, letting go

to the One who can handle my pain.

I'm saying help me to the One who promised

to be there. I'm heaving a thank you to the

showered blessings fallen on me like rain

on the care given to me.

I reached out my hand to grasp your hand.

Knowing somehow, I'm safe

and thing will be okay.