the thing about happiness

Sometimes at the midst of the day, I would think about the times. I would think about the memories that threaten to engulf me into its sadness, that's the thing about remembering. I would remember the times I wake up feeling the pain, how it hurts to breathe, how much I just want to cut the pain away or be asleep, yet the state of sleeping or being awake seems to send me to this limbo state where the pain doesn't seem to stop.

How do you say goodbye, to a person you had hang on to since you were young. How do you give up the years of waiting, of searching, of the dreams that shared together.  10 fucking years. 10 years of pining for you, that maybe one day I will run into you and all of the questions will be cleared. What happened to our little promises, to the us who was happy with just little things. And all I could feel is just the stabbing guilt of not following through, of being the one that gave things up. How do I look towards the me then who believe in everything? The endless of self questioning and doubts, if it wasn't you, would anyone ever matter anymore? The person whom I refused to get into a relationship because of all the people I ever dated, you were the one that I wish with all my might not to go. Yet, you left. Once more, you left. And I couldn't be okay with that, knowing my state of mind and emotions, there is no way I could go through with this. I selfishly demand too much of things and deep down I knew, no matter how much I wish you were the one, you weren't. You were the guy I thought was right that came at the wrong time, which turns out that you weren't the guy that was right. You just was the guy I had clung on to for a long time because I had wanted it to work out since young, to be with my best friend and chase our dreams together.

But the thing about years and fate is that it changes us. I'm no longer the same girl I was back then, nor were you that same boy. And after the flurry of happiness of finally finding you, even when it was not spoken, we knew. That we both have changed and that change has driven us apart. While it is safe to say we did fight for our dreams, we fought very differently. The aching feeling doesn't stop and tears threaten to spill each time I remember of you, but somehow I just couldn't bear to cry for you again.

After so long of emotional pursuit over you, I couldn't seem to say it once more that you are gone. Perhaps I'm in denial, perhaps I'm just suppressing my emotions. But I know once, that I was happy with you. I know once, that you urged me to fight for my freedom and to never call it quits on my dreams. You taught me that being alone isn't too bad and being quiet meant you hear so much more.

I had my times with you and while things just didnt work out, finding you was the best moment of this year. Losing Star then and now losing you felt like a full stop to the chapter that I have always wanted an epilogue. Thank you for loving me and thank you for the memories.

I never regretted loving you but I need  to learn to be happy by myself now.

The thing about love

I once thought that I was immune to it
when the first guy I like, left
and that caused me to wonder why it ached

I thought I didnt like guys
when i went to a girls school
where all I had was drama after another

I once believe a guy likes you
when he cares for you and that
he must complement you, so an emotional me
must find a logical person

that turn out wrong, in so many levels.

I believe then a guy must be emotional too
so he could understand and care the same way
but it results in a series of heartbreak

then I ask myself, why not find a guy who
likes you more than you do to him
I couldn't face him after a few weeks.

So I told myself, find a guy
that understand your dreams and chase them
before the dreams came, I realize there isn't much
to chase if he couldn't be there.

I said to myself, enough is enough.
no more compromising, no more giving
and leaving your heart to break.

maybe being single ain't that bad after all.

the reason for strength

sometimes I forget what kept me going on or what exactly make me fight harder, work harder each time, much more than the people around me. Some scoff at me when I said I wanted a normal life, somehow I guess when we all look at it, we get a little obnoxious and start self pitying ourselves into thinking that our lives are not normal, when technically no one's life is, normal.

Quite a handful of mine walked into the depths of my heart and found out the reason why i was guarded. Some admire that I was still going on, some promised they will get me out of the situation, most just sympathize and believe in anger. But I guess perhaps that is also the reason for the hardening of my heart, too much hatred, too much scars, too much pain and too many unfulfilled promises. I never really hold it against people for not being there for me/ not being in my life, cause sometimes I really can't seem to blame them. I mean who can? We all have our lives to lead and to ask another what I most likely can't do myself if I was them, makes me pretty double standard. And somehow when I failed to open up or when I tried to reach out to people to meet, to talk, most would brush it off thinking there will be a next time but most if not always, there won't be. I rarely reach out to people and to do so, perhaps lower the pride, or perhaps make me feel kindda pathetic, begging for people to see something is wrong. And when they don't, i guess i effectively cross them out of my life, without meaning to, because I feel that they won't be able to handle me.

I'm quite a depender and sometimes it is that, that hurts me most. Because while I depend and rely, I tend not to show it. For a person so emotional to not bare my emotions, it makes me feel utterly small and lonely in this world. Yet perhaps it is also that, that caused the reasons for my strength to keep going on, to fight for a future. Because I refuse to cave in or accept fate that this is my defeat.

This is my battle cry. I may bleed but I will not break. I may bend but I will not beg. I may fall but i will learn to rise. I may get demoralized but I will not let it stop me. I will continue to breathe, with every breath I have.

self of sanity

I find it hard to fathom my thoughts, my emotions into words
it is not because I'm trying to be secretive
but I cannot seem to say a word to tell you
that I'm upset.

I'm not the one who will go up to the person and tell them
hey, I have a bad day today, would you please give me a hug
no, I'm most likely be the one who will be rushing my assignments
because I don't want a minute to pass where I can feel my sadness

So when you ask me am I okay or what happened
please don't take my silence as I'm alright,
don't take my smiles that everything is fine
because I'm tired, tired of trying.
tired of crying, tired of feeling.

When past collides with present
and I can't help but feel all the surge of emotions
that I have carefully hid
don't question why I'm bringing up things that are years ago

because scars don't disappear
and the more I try to be normal
the more I feel the cracks that I'm not
The more i crave for touch and concern
and the more I will deny myself for asking.

Dont mistake it for pride
It's just me.

Tired

Sometimes I tell myself I dont have a breaking point
so there wont be a limit I would have to be afraid of
because all I have to do is keep pushing forward
trudging along this tired path

sometimes I ask myself whatever for Im trying so hard
whether there is a point to what Im doing
so i could console myself better
where the night lie as tears seeped through the cover

Sometimes i stare at the newly healed scars
and think to myself why did I even do that
so I could stop making bad decisions
to hurt the people around me

so tonight,
whatever for is there to stop
those red lines for dripping
down my wrist.

if you are looking for a plea
this is mine.

Bored

1) 130 questions, promise you won’t lie?

I try my best to. 

2) Is the last person you texted single?

Xinqian, Hahaha very much so. But she's somewhat attached to me Xd

3) Do you get jealous easily?

Yep. I dont show it though.

 

4) Are you wasting your time on the person you like?

No? he's worth it. 

5) What are you currently waiting for?

For assignments to stop piling up on me >< 

6) Do you think more about the past, present, or future?

To be honest, i rotate from the past to the future a lot but I have a bad habit of not thinking of the present. 

7) Is there anybody you wish you could be spending time with right now?

Hahaha, friends there are plenty. But i guess i would want to spend time with my boyfriend too. 

8) Honestly, do you really love the last person you said I love you to?
i think the last person i said I love you to was jingying, hahaha but we're not really close. I care for her? 

9) Is anything wrong with your eyes?

A bit of infection that isnt going away >(

10) Who were the last people you saw besides your family?

Hmmm my boyfriend! And his classmates, daphne and jinhui

11) Do you have nice eyes?

uh people tell me so, so i guess so! 

12) Have you ever received a love letter more than a page long?

Hahaha Yep I did. 

13) If something was wrong who would be the first girl you’d go to?

Joey I guess, but that will only be when she probe me. I tend to shy away from telling people about my problem. 

 

14) Who’s thinking about you right now?

well my boyfriend better be thinking about me. ahahaha i will whack him if he isnt.
just kidding. i dont think anyone will be thinking about me? 

15) Is this year the best year of your life?

Hmm... I wont say the best, but one of the most eventful and craziest.

16) Which of your friends lives closest to you?

Joey~ 

 

17) How do you feel about Dr Pepper?

IM SORRY but it sounds really funny, like a doctor specialized in pepper HEHEHE

18) Have you ever thought someone died, when they really didn’t?

Yeah.. thought some of them committed suicide and kept calling them to check that they're okay. 

19) Does your bedroom need cleaning?

Yep, a pile of papers all over the place

 

20) July 4th or St. Patrick’s Day?

July the 4th~ 

21) Would you rather take a relationship really slow or really fast?

Slow, but all of my relationships have been rather fast. 

22) Are you comfortable with your height?

I GREW TALLER. (muahaha) But i wish i can be a little bit taller, maybe 3 more cm please? 

23) Do you act differently around the person you like?

Definitely, I'm more me than i am with anyone else. 

24) Do you think anyone has feelings for you?

I believe in the saying, unless they say something, im just gonna assume we are friends and nothing more :) 

25) Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

Yes. Nanda, she refuse to see me frowning when she sees me. A source of happiness. Thanks for being with me for 10 years and counting x)

26) Do you like thunderstorms?

No. Im terrified of them.

27) How fast does your mood change?

Very badly. I can be go from crying to laughing.. sigh. I question my sanity. 

28) Are there things that can’t be joked about with you?

Yes. I will get rather upset over it. 

29) What do you always take with you?

I think my phone and wallet?

30) When is your birthday?

January 7th! 

31) Anything on your walls?

I dont have anythingggg

32) Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months or more?

Yep I have been in one. But it went on longer than it should have, regretted hurting the other party. 

33) Do you crack your knuckles?

Yep. I used to cry cause i thought i broke my finger ._. shh dont judge

34) Do you feel comfortable getting up and giving speeches?

No. I really get utterly nervous and probably start stammering. 

35) Would you ever want to swim with the sharks?

Yep!! Wanna learn how to dive!

36) What are you listening to?

她说 jj lin

37) Does anyone know your password besides you?

nope. 

38) Have you ever kissed someone under fireworks?

In my foggy memory, I do not think so... 

39) I bet you miss somebody right now?

Yep. I miss my friends :(

40) Do you have a box where you keep all your important things?

Yep. Lots of them collecting dust

41) How many times have you dyed your hair?

Once! Planning to dye again at the end of the year

42) Can you count past 100?

Yep. I think i did that for some psychological treatment

43) If you were abandoned in the wilderness, would you survive?

Mm.. Hard to say. I might? 

44) Are you afraid of shots?

You mean injection or drinking shots? Im not afraid of either. Been given injection since young, and i can hold liquor well. 

45) Is there someone you can tell anything to?

Joey I guess

46) At this moment in time if you HAD to have someone’s name tattooed on you besides family who’s would it be?

i guess I would tattoo the name sky? Because I like the idea of being free? 

47) Has anyone called you perfect before?
yep, my boyfriend is rather insistent on the idea that Im the perfect one for him. 

48) Does your best friend’s parents like you?

Yep!

49) Are any of your friends taller than you?

yeah, the tallest is like 1.9. Can i just cry. 

50) Would you cry if your most recent ex died?

Probably. He is a close friend afterall. 

51) Name the bands you have band tees for?

None boohoo.

 

52) Do you prefer the ocean or pool?

Ocean. There's wildlife in it!

53) Ever liked someone whose name started with a B?

I went to search names that start with B, aha. Nope

54) Ever really cried your heart out?

I dont think I ever cried non stop, cause I always find it embarrassing to cry, so even if i do cry, i will stop crying after awhile. 

55) Are you the same person as you were at the beginning of 2009?

Wow that was like what... 5 years ago..? Definitely not. 

56) Is there a difference between love and IN love?

Yes. I can love someone but it doesn't mean i'm in love with him/her. 

 

57) Have you ever been on a motorcycle?

Yes! damn shiok!

59) Do you speak any other language other than English?

chinese. 

60) What is the date of you and you’re first loves anniversary?

My first love? 0604. 

61) Are you someone’s best friend?

Yep! Joey and Farihah 

 

62) Where was the last place you were when you puked?

My friend's friend house. I drank too much..

63) Have you ever smuggled something into America?

I have not even been to america before *cries*

64) Who is your favorite super-hero?
Loki, even though he aint a super hero

65) Can you say the alphabet backwards?
I will stumble too much.. 

66) Pen or pencil?

Pencil.

67) Do you get bad headaches?

nope. Dizzy spells though

68) Does it matter if your boyfriend/girlfriend smokes or not?

Yep. I can't stand smoking. 

69) What’s usually colder, your hands or your feet?

Feet.

70) Do you think two people can last forever?

Well, Im under the impression that forever doesnt exist, but i guess if two people love each other, why not? 

71) Do you consider yourself trustworthy?

not really.. 

72) Is there someone that cares about you more than themselves?

My boyfriend

73) Do you live in a ghetto neighborhood?

I don't think so. 

74) Has a song ever made you cry?

Yes.

75) Has a book ever made you cry?

yes.

76) Is your handwriting large, tiny, or pretty normal?

Tiny. some even went on to say it's microscopic. 

77) Will you be dating someone in a month?

No? Lol im attached

78) Your phone rings, what do you say?
uh.. hello?

79) Has anyone ever said they wanted to marry you?

yes but i didn't treat him seriously

80) Have you ever been a gymnast or a cheerleader?

cheerleader

81) Is your birthday on a holiday?

Sometimes it falls on a school holiday

82) Do you ever cry during romantic movies?

yep. But i hardly tear over those cliche movie anymore

83) Do you always answer your phone?

Yep

84) Are you ticklish?

Yeah. so annoying.. 

85) Is there someone you wish you were still close with?

Yep.
-

wasn't even 130 questions man. 

Cherish the woeful me

Ohaiyo~

Who ever said university was the best time of their life must have been joking -the amount of pure frantic rush to get a formula into your head, the wee hours of doing presentation, of chionging essays, of surprise pop quiz, man was I looking forward to recess week.

and it's ending, in 2 days time. sobs.

But I guess im slowly getting used to university life, but just barely. Sometimes I wonder why it takes people perhaps week or months to get used but it takes me an entire year to get used to the life here. And it's not as though things will remain constant, perhaps im one of those fools who demands for constant.
-

i wonder what's it like to date a depressed person. The amount of effort and understanding sometimes confounds me, why would anyone put in so much trouble to tear down someone's wall who will probably put it up again the next day or when occasion rises. but i guess that's love or care that I just can't seem to understand hur?

A friend once told me this, "but he has something that no one has, he has your heart."

but is it worth the pains to date a girl filled with scars all over?
-
back to studying,
till then.