Reflections

2015;

Gosh I'm tired already from the start of school and whatnots. But not as tired as I was the previous semester, which surprised me since the modules for this semester is heavier, or perhaps school hasn't truly started for me yet. But i'm loving labs and lesson materials, even though I have a lot to catch up with, the thirst of knowledge is still there and I'm not blindly accepting information as I did when I was in my previous schools. So that's one bonus point of me.

These past few months, I have rethinking and challenging a few ideas about relationships. Perhaps I myself am getting tired of all the questionings I have of it. But it sure has been one enriching one, though sometimes I just wanna shut myself away from thinking about it and blowing the whole entire matter up because, I am becoming more emotional about it. As I went through each process of rediscovering the aspects of it, I begin to understand and perhaps realise what am I searching for in the process of it.

Relationships matter a great deal to me. Be it for friends or bgr wise. I have always held on to the belief that it is something important in my life that I cannot lose sight of. In that aspect, I am still holding firmly to it. While I crave freedom and such, it does not mean I stop pursuing stronger ties with close friends and holding dearly to the memories we shared.

Like any other girl, I had expectations. I had dreams of a fairytale relationship. Where I would find my soulmate, and he will be the one that makes my heart races, he will be the one that I spent my nights thinking about him, waking up to his sweet messages, he will send me home, take random silly photos together, picnic together, watching the sun rises and set, looking at the stars etc. I was perhaps the usual hopeless romantics that I despise in girls. Because as much as I knew all of that, hoped all of that, I also crushed myself each time.

It was then I realized I was in love with the idea of being in a relationship. The idea of a guy being desperately in love with me and cherishing me. Because I seek another person to fill the missing gaps and cracks in my heart. As much as that goes, it wasn't fair at all.

Maybe it was because these days I have seen way too many break ups, way too many people posting about their love stories or come crying to tell me about their heart aches that I begin to feel that love isn't all there is to be. Then come the great big question, what is love?

Is love something that just fades away becomes of circumstances? How do I know whether I truly love the person? Isn't love this great thing that overcomes everything and triumph all? I begin to realize like any other girl or guy, I have begun to demand for my own little fairytale. Nothing wrong with demanding, but it leads to expectations that can't be fulfilled. Don't get me wrong, I do believe that everyone has someone that is made for each other. But in relationships and stuff, my expectations have started to swing both ways, of having too much and too little expectations. My emotions begin to depend on the guy's mood, on whether he is happy, or he is doing well in his life.

So through all that pondering and thinking, a few articles that I came across struck a chord in me. I'm going to share 3 of them here.

#1 My Lovely wife in the psych ward

http://www.psmag.com/navigation/health-and-behavior/lovely-wife-psych-ward-95567/#.VLYYujQFwk4.facebook

To summarise it, it was about a guy's struggle with his wife who suffers from psychiatric attacks. Some thoughts about it was of course his acceptance towards his wife. I believe it takes a great amount of strength and courage to be there for your partner. People suffering from mental disorder are not the only victims, their loved ones are as well. That makes me wonder whether I could find someone that could accept that part of me. I have been in and out of remission of panic disorder for a few years now. I remember when I was diagnosed with it, I stared at the doctor and wondered if I was crazy or mental. It scares me whenever I have a relapse, because I was no longer in control of my own body or thoughts, it just go haywire. Every single doubt would get amplified and I would just shut down internally. It becomes a struggle to even breathe. Each breath I take hurts, I understood later that it was because I have too much oxygen in my body, which cause my body to stiffen up to control the pH level and stuff. Beside that, I used to believe that suffering from bouts of depression, makes me unlikeable or unable to communicate with people properly, I keep having the notion I was going to die early so what is the point of even reaching out to people when you are just going to hurt them when you are gone? Later on, I realise while it wasn't common, it doesn't mean I was abnormal and that I was still capable of receiving and accepting love. 

Then came another discussion of using medicine to stop such attacks from happening. I am not an advocate of it because I honestly hate to depend on such stuff to give me order and control of it. I believe a right mindset and lifestyle would help lessen such attacks from happening and that while sometimes it is scary to leave it to your mind battles and the test of your will, I want to trust that I do not need it in order to lead a life I want. Second comes counselling. While I do agree that we should open up to people to talk things out, I had trouble with accepting the idea of opening up to strangers and have them diagnose what is wrong with you. In my previous encounters with them, it was pretty uncomfortable. A recent talk with my friend about the first time I was sent to counselling, left me quite bitter. It wasn't the fact that we had opposing views towards it, I just feel that a part of me was still hurt over the supposed "betrayal" of someone spilling my stuff and that sent me to counselling which my friend feels is immature of my part, because I couldn't accept the idea of someone doing that even when I could understand the goodwill intentions. 

So comes the question in my mind, can one truly accept every part of their partner and what happens if your partner becomes someone else completely, what then happens to the relationship? As much as I would love to say that everyone out there would be there for their partner, we cannot blame them either if they left. Because sometimes it doesn't mean that you dont love the person anymore, but simply put that you guys are just not going to be happy together. 

#2 Why she doesn't believe that you love her

thoughtcatalog.com/kim-quindlen/2015/01/why-she-doesnt-believe-that-you-love-her/

I thought this reminded me of myself when I was hurt and broken over my first serious relationship. Some quotes from it, "You can hurt yourself by hurting someone else, to the point where you can’t even breathe and you hate waking up in your own body, knowing what you did and how you made someone else feel. Maybe she loved someone but knew they weren’t the right person for her, so she had to leave them." 

This drove the point for me, because I ended all of my relationships. A part of me dies whenever I initiate the breakup because I know that at that very point, I am going to break all the promises of trying to work out the relationship, of the idea of forever and that I will be there. In relationships, no one truly go into it and out of it unscathed. It is the beauty and something fearful in a relationship. A thought of it was that when one enters a relationship, it either move to marriage or to a breakup. I do not know which has scared me more then. And that is why perhaps I had stop hoping for a relationship because I don't want my partner to believe in a future together which I am hesitant about. I do understand we dont fully know the future or predict it, but I do want to know that at the very least, that the person I am going to give my word to, will be the person that I will marry. So when it comes down to it, I still am a girl who yearns to be loved even when I'm skeptical about the idea of love. 

In a way, while I used to stay firm saying I dont want marriage or kid, truth be told, after all those thoughts, I am swaying a little, but for me, it has probably going to take a lot of guts from the guy and I to work out all the barriers and what nots in each other's life. But I guess what i'm saying is I haven't given up on love. 

#3 This is how she feels when she breaks your heart 

http://thoughtcatalog.com/kim-quindlen/2015/01/this-is-how-she-feels-when-she-breaks-your-heart/

I just realize that two of my articles are from the same author, hmmm. This article came at the right time when I was going through my breakup over my recent relationship, ironically I read this article after I accidentally bumped into him when I was on my way to school. So thank God for this. 

"She misses you. A lot. But she knows she did the right thing and that’s the life raft that she grabs onto right now. That’s the thing that tells her that eventually, this will all be worth it. She will be at peace with herself and her decision, and she sends out silent prayers to the universe that you will too. She tries to picture you happy, and even though it’s painful, she tries to picture you in love with someone else" 

It took a lot of effort to not text and say hi and try to strike up a conversation. I am miserable over this breakup, hung up even that I could not talk to the person the same way I used to. I am going to miss that, miss it like fuck. But deep down, knowing that it was right, makes it sick in the gut. Maybe one day I would be able to speak to him again or that we would even be friends but for now, I am going to be content in wishing that he would do his best and I would do mine as well. Because while it is painful to continue forward, it is even more painful to remain at the same spot. 

"She’s shocked over the fact that she’s heartbroken, even though she’s the one who instigated this and said this was the right thing and apparently wanted this. She doesn’t understand why she chose this if it’s making her lose her appetite and her spark and her desire to do anything. She’s just trying to hold on long enough to figure out why she did this in the first place."

There was no running away from the fact that he was that guy that I had chased my dreams together with. No denial that being together fuelled the desire to be free and to work hard. But I couldn't get over the fact that something was missing as well, that it will not work out if things was going to be like this. I trust my heart to know what it was doing and as much as it hurts, I had to say goodbye. 

~

Lastly, though I fell away from church and my relationship with God is still shaky, whenever i think of love, I remembered this verse Charlene used to share with me whenever she rebuke me. 

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away."

-1 Corinthians 13:4-8

To me, I guess that's what love is all about. Beside the circumstances and all, I just have to trust in the plans He has for me. Such a longabout way, but I guess that's my answer to love. 

it is late, so a ponder for another day. 

first post of 2015;

I would have wished for a cheerier post but as most of my posts go on this blog, it goes without saying, the mood is pretty set on dead.

I used to pride myself in being less emotional these days, or as the years go by, but somehow I cannot shrug away the feeling that it is still not enough. My emotions still get the better of me and I overthink so frequently that sometimes sleep and appetite become so elusive to me. The pain that I thought I had learn to get used to, becomes more and more each day.

It never struck me how one can wake aching and go to sleep aching. It's just this fucking pain that knocks you down over and over again whenever you want to get up. I can't keep doing this. Not to myself. And somehow maybe it was because of how busy things were in the holidays that when time slow down just a minute or so, it drifts back to where it hurts. And somehow I just dont want time to stop anymore for me to feel the hurt.

At times I just want to shut the world out and just be myself, scream, cry, i dont know. Just to let the pain go away. At times I just want to keep running, literally, run and run, till I'm out of breath, run and run till my heart throbs from beating so fast, till the hurt finally seem to make sense just a little.

But i can't do that, and while I keep telling people to not rush to heal themselves, maybe the only person I should say that to is myself.

Resolutions

A friend suggested this quite recently : How about let's write something to a 2015 you? It sounds quite cool to me but before I do that, here's to a 2014 me. 

~

Looking back at all the times I had posted of new year resolutions, most common ones were my wish to stop being emotional and trust people. I used to hate the idea of changing, of moving from one phase to another and for me, it takes me quite awhile to adapt to things. Perhaps it is because of that, I stubbornly held on to my memories and refuse to let go when there are times I probably should have walk away earlier. To be honest, who I used to be becomes foggy and I start to wonder whether I'm just a manifestation of my circumstances and not being who I really am. I think I mentioned it once to a friend and the reply was that we are both. We are who we are and we are also the product of what has happened to us. 

-

So dear 2014 me,

Thank you for lasting through the year even though there were many moments you wanted to give up. I know at the moment then, everything seems scary and you just walked out of your first serious relationship, scars all over. Hey you, I remembered the days you spent crashing at qian's house because you wanted an excuse to run into your ex and how you wanted to prove how much better you are without him. It's okay yknow, to keep caring for someone even when they are no longer the same person you used to know. And it is okay to take all the time in the world to recover from that grief, but dear 2014 me, this is for the numerous frustrations and ugly crying because your feelings got cheated over and over again over him who couldn't make up his mind whether he wants to be with you. Here's a hug and pat that you finally let go of the pain that 2013 you couldn't. 

Being impulsive is your nature but it has also cost you to be reckless with work and school. You start skipping work more just so you can hang out with your friends more. You start to make excuses not to go lessons because you were sick and tired of school. So 2015 me, don't let your impulse take you too far because there are many things that are important such as responsibilities. Don't let your heart rule your decisions too much because the people that are still there in 2014 has changed. Learn to trust yourself more and stop making so much excuses of why you are not doing well. 

Dear you who has worked so hard to stay strong in your decision even making the big decision to change faculty and the endless doubts you had about whether it was just because you were in love then. Let me tell you now, you are pursuing your dreams that you had given up again and again because you don't believe in yourself, so 2014 me, thank you for giving me the chance to pursue it again. Because even if it doesn't turn out well, I know that at the very least I had given my dreams a fighting chance. 

Dear heart, there were moments in times I really hated you for being so fickle and being so adamant. When you should have let go, you held on. You held on knowing you will be hurt. That hurt becomes an excuse for you to push people away and because of that, many times you stop talking to people because you dont want to hurt them anymore. This is for the moments you spent thinking you are back to square one, when honestly you weren't. You were already moving on even though you thought you were still being a silly girl hoping for love. But dear heart, you rejected guys after guys because you refuse to believe in love anymore. You started to cry because you hated hurting people and you thought to yourself why can't you love anymore. Dear you who plunged into a fling because you thought you needed someone who love you more, it wasn't worth it. It wasn't worth making someone's heart broken because you weren't ready. Dear you who gave love a second try and started your second serious relationship, thank you. Thank you for trying again when you thought it was impossible to. Even though it didn't work out, dear you, thank you for trying your best and from there, you learn more about yourself and about relationships. You start to know what you want, what you cannot compromise on and how much things such as talking to the other party or going out just to chill has became the happy moments in your life.

Dear 2014 me, you taught 2015 me so much about who I truly am and how much I have changed/grown in this year. You had tried things you had never done before, you took your first alcohol, you met your long-lost childhood friend, you went for your dreams, you signed up for interviews for committee that you never got in, you went for your first 5km, you stood up against your boyfriend for what you stand for and believe in and 2014 me, thank you for trying your hardest to be strong and trying your hardest to let your vulnerability show. :) The year has been one heck of a journey but also one of the most memorable one. 

-
Well.. as much as I would love to run away from things, after much thoughts, I faced up to things I thought I would never face up to. Probably telling them about break up was one thing. Did what I thought I wouldnt by sending a message to some of the people I have ran away from. And it finally felt like closure. Though I probably still have many things/people I cannot face till now, I felt like I'm no longer as confused or messed up.

-

Today, I finally admit to myself that I'm hurting.

And seeing this darkness, make me realize how much

I don't want to speak anymore. 

Closure

This topic came up quite frequently these past few days... and I found it hard to answer or to wrap my thoughts around this. I guess that was due to the fact that pain is a still a raw feeling that I'm trying to acknowledge and get used to. I'm not really one to admit to people that I'm not okay or to even express the emotion out anymore and I guess when it hits, it hits straight to the guts. 

So what does it feel to remember a topic you used to talk about? And how you can memorise the snide remarks to your questions? What is it like to walk through places you guys have been together and the little things you guys do together at that particular moment and place? When memories filled you as you remember the promises you guys made and the lies you guys said to each other because you dont want them to be hurt. Do you remember the first fight you guys had, and how you guys patch up from there? The first time you trust the person and look into their eyes, wondering whether the future has them in it? 

I remember the first time I try to forgo such pain, I was a mess. I frantically try to erase the memories I made just so I won't remember that the last time I did stuff, it won't be with that particular person. I realize then how much of an insult I have given to the times spend together, that even if the person is no longer there, the person was once there for me and I was once happy with them. Then came the bitter resentment of broken promises, of how hurtful it has been that I have clung on so tightly to words that I felt they had thrown away so easily. How pain just rob me to feel anything beside sadness. So many questions I feel like hurling at people yet no one to fully answer me. How can the one who meant so much to me left as though I was nothing to them? 

Slowly I started to walk with such crumbling steps because I realise a conversation we once had. Of how much I had depended on people, and how afraid the person was that if she won't be there, I would just refuse to walk anymore, that I would just rot in that darkness of mine. But I remembered then that I said it doesn't matter because if I was going to be a deadweight, I would rather be cut off and learn to crawl out of the hole I have sunk myself into. That was then and I guess somewhere out there, knowing she is still there pursuing what she wants, makes me happy. 

Then came many confusions due to relationships and I started having lots of insecurities which led me to get hurt where I could have prevented it. I took too many things to myself and the sadness inside me just consume me at times. When I think of love, I thought it was something forever, that it meant that things will work out no matter what. When you meet your soulmate, the one that understand you and know your thoughts, how can anything go wrong? That was when all I have believed in was challenged, and what I thought was eternal was perhaps just an impulsive move on both side to pursue their feelings. 

I remember the times I was hurt. Common line I say, if he really know my heart and thoughts, then why is he hurting me. Doesn't it hurt him to hurt me? And that meant my hurt was doubled, because I had given the other person the position to hurt me more than it should. Don't get me wrong, it is inevitable to be hurt by people. But because I had placed too much significance in each word and emotion, that pain became more and more. 

The road to letting go wasn't merciful and many times, I wound back to square one. Wondering to myself where is my happily ever after or whether I would ever have any emotions left to love another. The thing was I really hated myself, hated myself for being emotional, for feeling all that and believing everything that was said. I hated how much I had changed, I hated how much I worried the people around me, and everyday felt like a struggle to survive, to force myself to wake, to eat, to hangout with people. And each day I badly wanted to end all that pain. I hated the other party for awhile for being the cause of my hurt, for allowing me to walk away. I hated myself for making that decision to give up. Sometimes people started throwing remarks of how if you hated your predicament then you shouldn't have done it in the first place. And it make it hard for me to even try to get myself out anymore, because you're right, absolutely right that I brought this upon myself. But I didnt regret it. I didn't regret getting together, I didnt regret loving, I didn't regret the times I spend laughing and being happy, I didnt regret the stuff I learn from them when we are together and what I learn from them when we were apart. I didnt regret the nights I spend arguing and breaking my heart into pieces. I didnt regret knowing I had tried, I didn't regret all the moments we spend together. I didn't regret breaking up either. 

Step by step, I went back to the foundation of what I believe in and what I held strongly to. While it was scary to be by myself again, I was no longer the same person when I had stepped into the relationship, but I'm okay with that. I may cry now and then but I had never been anything but grateful now. Bit by bit, I reaffirm the stuff I had known about myself, and reclaim back what I thought I had lost. When I love, I didnt stop loving. But I realize the love I had for each one had morphed from that of a relationship to that of a care and concern. Was I a fool to choose this path? Maybe. But I know more about myself each time and what matters to me. 

When I thought that I could stop feeling and be numb, a part of me realise that it wasn't who I am. As much as I want to be selfish and shut the world out, I am not being me at all. And that's not okay. So for me, closure was when you accept everything that has happened and not hold any bitter feelings towards anything that had happened. While there will be scars but I will not hold fault in them for loving me in their own ways and neither will I, hold fault to myself for believing in love and loving people in my life. 

Be it for the people who had left or are still here, thanks for making me, me. 

You.

pain
rips me apart
from inside out
screaming at me
to feel its hurt

pain
force me to remember
each moment
and lies
mocking me
to forget
knowing I can't

pain
leave me breathless
insomniac
and gasping for
any form of relief
no appetite
nor mind would still

pain
pounding into me
refusing to let go
and demanding me
to feel

pain
urging me to lose
control and break
to fall apart
and shut down

pain
was when I thought
i would be okay
when i was not

pain
was you.

the thing about happiness

Sometimes at the midst of the day, I would think about the times. I would think about the memories that threaten to engulf me into its sadness, that's the thing about remembering. I would remember the times I wake up feeling the pain, how it hurts to breathe, how much I just want to cut the pain away or be asleep, yet the state of sleeping or being awake seems to send me to this limbo state where the pain doesn't seem to stop.

How do you say goodbye, to a person you had hang on to since you were young. How do you give up the years of waiting, of searching, of the dreams that shared together.  10 fucking years. 10 years of pining for you, that maybe one day I will run into you and all of the questions will be cleared. What happened to our little promises, to the us who was happy with just little things. And all I could feel is just the stabbing guilt of not following through, of being the one that gave things up. How do I look towards the me then who believe in everything? The endless of self questioning and doubts, if it wasn't you, would anyone ever matter anymore? The person whom I refused to get into a relationship because of all the people I ever dated, you were the one that I wish with all my might not to go. Yet, you left. Once more, you left. And I couldn't be okay with that, knowing my state of mind and emotions, there is no way I could go through with this. I selfishly demand too much of things and deep down I knew, no matter how much I wish you were the one, you weren't. You were the guy I thought was right that came at the wrong time, which turns out that you weren't the guy that was right. You just was the guy I had clung on to for a long time because I had wanted it to work out since young, to be with my best friend and chase our dreams together.

But the thing about years and fate is that it changes us. I'm no longer the same girl I was back then, nor were you that same boy. And after the flurry of happiness of finally finding you, even when it was not spoken, we knew. That we both have changed and that change has driven us apart. While it is safe to say we did fight for our dreams, we fought very differently. The aching feeling doesn't stop and tears threaten to spill each time I remember of you, but somehow I just couldn't bear to cry for you again.

After so long of emotional pursuit over you, I couldn't seem to say it once more that you are gone. Perhaps I'm in denial, perhaps I'm just suppressing my emotions. But I know once, that I was happy with you. I know once, that you urged me to fight for my freedom and to never call it quits on my dreams. You taught me that being alone isn't too bad and being quiet meant you hear so much more.

I had my times with you and while things just didnt work out, finding you was the best moment of this year. Losing Star then and now losing you felt like a full stop to the chapter that I have always wanted an epilogue. Thank you for loving me and thank you for the memories.

I never regretted loving you but I need  to learn to be happy by myself now.