;2024 me

hey you.

I know we haven't met yet, but honestly? I'm kindda excited to see what this year has shaped you to be. So many big events, this year after all is a pretty busy year, the biggest of them being you getting married and you moving overseas.

I guess putting out here is also a declaration of sorts, of my resolve to you to accomplish everything we have spoke about ever since we were young. We had dreamt of so long to move away, to get out of this place where it just doesn't feel like we belong, that now with it being so near, all the confidence is kindda met with this bittersweet ache.

I mean you and I both know even after this year ends (probably when you will read back to this), that we still have a bit of time left before we had to bid goodbye and who knows, we may very well come back, but in the foreseeable future, this is it. This is us making our mark and going out there. God that makes me nervous, are you just as nervous 12 months down? I bet you will be a nervous wreck HAHA well I did what I could and have tried to plan as much as I can so that I hope you will at least not be moaning about how I should have planned harder.

and hey you, regardless of what happened, please take a breather. I know we are sucky at taking breaks and we simply keep ourselves busy, maybe it was a trauma response or how we cope previously, but we don't have to do this anymore. Says me as I have almost filled up every single week with pole, but it is true, take a break, play some games, do some art, make your heart full.

I sound like a smart ass there don't I? But man what a journey it has been, I wonder how marriage life will treat you. I never once thought I was capable of marriage, with my feet half the time ready to fly, afraid that if I settle, I will get resentful of my partner or my life. I think a part of me just believe that I was not suitable to be with someone, with all the insecurities and baggage that I carry, but someone once told me way back when I met him that I don't have to solve it right away, I can just carry it with me and move along, find peace with it. Somehow that stuck with me till now and I feel like we also tend to be way harder than ourselves just because it is easier. 

Working through all these really took a lot of crying, breaking down and analyzing on why was I uncomfortable, why was I upset, what was the rationale behind it. I love the  communication we have now where we will actively mention how sometimes we took things the wrong way based on what others have said. I know it took us a long time to heal from the previous relationship and sometimes it do still sting, but hey, either way I am proud of where we are now, and I hope you will be too. While I am still pondering and reflecting on my growth to get here, you have already gone through it. Guess it has not hit me yet since I am still in the midst of planning, also having to plan for your own wedding, arranging weekend trip back to thailand, going to a wedding overseas a month before your own and on top of that, take on new university course and pole term is not a fucking breeze. 

I guess a part of me writing here is also the nostalgia, I used to write here as a form of outlet, but as time grew and I got more busier, it just became harder to pen down what events has changed me or how different or strange it is to read my past entries and somehow not really connecting with the person I used to be. A part of it was just that heartbreaks are easier to write/channel, not that I stop having any low or bad periods, but as compared to the shitstorm or I like to call my black out period of 2018 - 2020, it has been just a pretty hectic few years afterwards.
--

x to my yesterday

 You know how some places have memories that just hold you in them

I was there, and it almost felt like yesterday

Yesterday where you took your flight back

where I was still in your life

a portion of it where I still was there to send you away

where we bid goodbye to our brief fleeting moments

it was one of the longest day I felt 

surrounded by everyone we knew yet no one was

aware of the agreement we had

the clock ticks, and even though it felt like

I could have left at any point

my feet just would not let me

maybe it was yesterday where at the moment

you were there, at the right time,

where I was breaking, and I just could not

do anything beside cry and blame myself

for everything. Where you understood,

you understood how it felt where no one 

was able to be, I was contented to

just be with someone that felt lonely and

as cast away as I

That the feeling was mutual, to the point I was consumed

with the belief that this is okay, that I could

be not okay, with you, just you. I was so relieved that I 

let everything slide, and the convincing afterwards

that you were not the person that I once knew

I wanted to be lost with you, to drown in it

but I was not at peace, your little remarks always

find their way to worm in, and my insecurities 

start to show

I was locked inside a dream where for a brief moment

the world did not had to matter, and the secret 

between us became my source that kept me there

it was the saddest yesterday where I admitted 

after you gave me one last hug

the things we do for love, I spoke aloud

that I realise I did love you in my own ways,

and you did not

you did not love me back

to the girl who has got her heart broken

 I just dont understand how he could just leave me, hanging there without turning back

I wish I could tell you that it gets easier with each day, that time heals all wounds

but sometimes it doesn't. 

It just doesn't get easier, it's funny how at that moment you remember. 

You remember how you guys met, how quickly chats turn into laughter, how his concerns just triumph over everyone's. His smile that turns you weak, you remember how you wanted to share all the little, the tiniest of things with him. You remember how your moods rises with each ping for messages from him and how they fall when the messages were from someone else.

How everything seem so special, so uniquely you and him. How your heart flutter with the things he done for you, when he fork out precious time of his busy schedule, or the mrt rides that make no sense. You remember how you love the nicknames he gave you, no matter how cheesy. 

He said I love you first and for that moment, you felt that moment you could almost believe him. Believe that he loves you no matter what, you sought out to be the very best of his friend, to know him so well, to be the pillar he could rely on. 

All the dashing in the rain, the food you made for him, the things he make for you. How he took care of you when you were sick, how he calm you down during those stressful days. You remember how much you adore each other in that love bubble of yours and how you wanted to believe he could be that person that you settle for.

And that was just it.

You broke each other hearts, one too many times. A mistake you two just suddenly could not forgive. 

He left that night, but he didnt leave with the memories didn't he?
That's what make goodbyes so hard. Someone just always held on longer, even though they knew the other person was never coming back. 

The more the memories stayed, the more hurt you got for not getting over him. You always thought, heck even everyone thought you would be able to move on first. 

But that's the tricky thing about love I guess, you just never do.

A part of you will always remember what it was like to love him, to love him for him, to love what you guys had. But it never has to be a bad thing, a bad aftertaste. You guys may never talk again, but you knew, you will always wish the best for him. 

You wish that he found the path he always wanted to be, to always have someone he love, to have people to come home to, to have friends to confide in, to always have that smile you fell for, to be happy, to be sad, to go out there and live a great life, and you know some may call you a fool, some may even think you're faking it, but you genuinely wish him well. Wish him the best even, because if you couldn't be the best for him, he still deserves it.

So go ahead, be not okay that he left. Be sad that you guys are no longer accomplice in crimes, be heartbroken, because it definitely hurts, to lose something you once called yours, and that's okay. That's more than okay. That's just what it was like to fall in love

Sifting through this pandemic

 It is weird that pandemic is still around and that we are all seemingly stuck in this loop of restrictions one after another, disruptions affecting services, businesses, relations. It definitely feels slightly easier to deal with as compared to 2020, everyone is more equipped to deal with the nuances, donning a mask has become a norm, scanning those QR codes before entering malls, supermarkets, gyms, attractions.. 

I wasn't sure what to write about or to talk to people about because my life been pretty much rinse repeat, being at home, going to work, coming back and heading out to work again the next day. I mean I definitely would say I have it easier than a lot of people, shifting jobs during this pandemic but I think mentally, the fatigue is definitely kicking in. I wonder how I managed to have so much energy last time, now even doing stretch classes are tiring. I don't think in terms of talking to people, I have been getting any better since I have never been really good at keeping in contact  with people, but I think with the numerous restrictions, it has became easier to excuse those behaviors. 

It definitely feels weird that I can't remember the last time I did things I like because I am always either sick or simply tired and that sucks terribly because I can't summon the energy these days to even do things I enjoy doing, be it trying out a new recipe, drawing, or just doing simple stretch exercises. Maybe I am just lamenting on how difficult independent life is especially during this whole entire period because everything just falls down on you to do things. Bills to pay, chores to do, half the time I don't think I am even capable of managing the two other kiddos I brought into my life. But they have been a great deal of joy and stress reliever. 

--

I been wanting to write about that moment but somehow words just doesn't seem to articulate well on that particular moment. It was possibly by far the most intimate moment I ever had with someone and that make me really protective of just how precious it was that I do not even know how to begin wording it. So instead I decided to write about one of the moment that brought about just as much

--

Tapping my fingers frustratingly, it is definitely past the meeting time. Who even thought any sane boss would ask for a meeting at such late hours. I need to make bookings soon as well, those damn classes always run out of slots within minutes. Not that I mind since they have been the only source of comfort amidst this hustle. Speaking of which, what ever make me decided that going to work from one end to another was such a brilliant idea. The amount of work I am doing no longer make sense to me and I begin to question exactly what was my role and purpose in this role I have signed up for. At this point it felt impulsive, but it was what I wanted, to go back to the field of passion.

Boss has entered the meeting room

"Sorry for this late meeting, but I actually have a few more calls to do, but I just wanted to check on you on how work has been and how it has been"

"it's been good really, I enjoyed the work and I am learning a lot but I felt like there is a bit of lack of direction in the work I am doing so I wanted to clarify on that as well.."

The words prattled on but by the time it ended, I barely made it in time to book my classes, but it just no longer mattered to me. I just stared, his words echoing, trying to make sense what just happened to me. His lamentations on the business. his apologies that do no make sense. All those worries I had before seemingly seem so insignificant, I trembled, unsure what to do, the path that seem right just disappeared and no longer make sense. 

I hesitatingly went next door where I found my partner snoring in the sofa, probably exhausted from the long day. I shake him gently, he was mumbling a little. I was tearful at this point and the only words I could muster.

I got fired

--

Seem a little melodramatic but this was probably how I felt at the point. I remember I felt so ashamed, like there is a stigma that I have always associated with that I never about, I was fearful that people would find out, that they would judge me for it. My pride then, was another part of me that I had to take time to slowly digest as well. I went confidently into this job and to have it all fall apart within months, felt like I did something wrong, that I had bit off more than I chew, but it was definitely a journey and looking back, it wasn't something I regret immensely going into, and seeing how it wasn't a good fit as well, I'm glad I have moved past that chapter and went on to another job now, so it all went well in the end. Also, a little recommendation Bo Burnham Inside is such a good film to watch during this pandemic because it probably feels a lot of us right now. 

the checklist that no one ask for

how I kick 2020's ass: 

• shave the side of my head
• move out
• had two cats 
• went counselling
• finally throw that resignation letter
• got a job that I really am interested in
• got a typewriter
• baked a darn ass cheesecake
• got into relationship
• hiked 21 km of singapore (first half of coast to coast)
• hiked with friends
• did a pretty successful company dinner and annual event
• shredded my abs/life with my friends to a chloe tng workout
• did some digital drawings
• picked up spanish
• reconnected with friends from jc, sec sch, university
• did a ted presentation of my year overview
• went contemporary dancing
• got a gaming laptop
• reconciled with a friend I never thought I would
• ate spicy food! 
• did streaming
• had an informal housewarming
• watched phantom of the opera (FINALLY)
• watched hamilton (ALSO ANOTHER)
• went clubbing finally with bianca
• got my 180 leg raise
• went jb with nations!
• had a back to back horror movie marathon
• remove my wisdom tooth!
• threw a new year eve party
• cooked for christmas

I cant recall offhand all the other nonsense I did but if yep basically a tbc checklist

;whiskers and cup of coffee

I like to think each year of my life has always been a lot of things that have taught me lessons that carry me through my life or just been a lot of memorable events but man, when I say I was going to kick 2020 in the ass, I would have never expected how many things would have happened in just a span of one year.

Obviously the biggest thing that was to hit was Covid. Covid brought about a halt to many of the goals I have set up and of course it has given me a lot of clarity as well towards so many things in my life. I can't begin to fathom how much lives it has took directly and indirectly and I see personally how many lives of my friends have been affected, be it a loss of job or even a loss of relationship. I recall mentioning to people about how it was really tough during the lockdown period and it just struck me on elderly folks who have nothing to do and I guess how much loneliness kill. I am thankful for the age of technology where I can still mimic some semblance of interactions with the outside world, somehow it helped me reconnect with few friends that I have lost touch with and definitely forge new friendships during that period. 

beyond just lockdown, it was also the year that I dared to take all that steps forward. 2019 I kept feeling like I pushed myself further and further, trying out different activities just so I can feel like justifying to myself on the loss of the relationship and how I have to prove that this is the reason why I should be living a certain life because of it. I guess because of that, I didn't allow myself to grieve for a very long time and hence the numerous breakdowns. Even till 2020, there were still moments where it haunts me, and I am glad that there are people along the way that got me through those rough spots.

I think for the longest time I kept persuading myself to stay in this toxic environment of mine, simply giving myself the excuse that it is what I have known and that I should be able to handle it by now. But I am glad that eventually I got out of it albeit not 100% ready. But to be out on my own, man it was definitely very different. It was finally a place I could call my own, that I have to pay bills for, that I am in charge of my life in every bit of the way. Did it scare me? Heck yes. It also made me confront many terrible habits of mine, there was many moments still I beat myself up for all the guilty pleasures I have for feeling safe and okay, but I have learn to slowly learn to be more at peace with myself and take more conscious effort to take care of myself now.

Mental health 101 also means that I also took the leap to see a counsellor this year. It was a really scary feeling for me cause I think for the longest time, people/partners have been asking me to see one because it felt like they reached a point where they could not help anymore and I always just get so afraid, because of the past scars I have. I think what really helped was knowing that counselling is 100% okay, doing the research on finding affordable ones and just knowing that there are friends who have been to counselling before and hearing their experiences. I think pole fam really helped me a lot in this because I think through my interactions with them, I feel like I was able to articulate my boundaries clearer and seeing them take steps towards being more conscious towards protecting their mental health, make me more clearer on the things I am feeding my mental self and it has not been pleasant. So tldr, was a nerve wreck seeing one, but when I finally did, thank goodness the counsellor was someone that click, so I found it easier to tackle some of the things I have trouble with as well as finally, opening up about my dad. I don't think I am ready to tackle that part of my life yet but I think the fact that I was able to finally do it on my own accord to share it with a professional (and that she did not think I was lying) make it a really big milestone in my life.

2020 had many huge ass milestones in my life, I used to think I will only be able to hit them one day kindda thing and to have so many of them all suddenly checked off my list, made me honestly a bit lost and I really am not sure where to go from there, but I got to keep reminding myself that I need to take the time to enjoy all these moments of mine. But yea so I decided to write down in the next post all the things in my life that have made up by 2020. 

 “We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to feel nothing so as not to feel anything - what a waste!” - Call Me By Your Name

my specks of uncertainty

comfort clings on, that little darkness,

the nothingness that stretches

the peppered breaths that break apart the silence

you stare out into the void,

thinking of nothing, ideas, imagery which you 

cling on to, desperate to give form, to give 

backbones, words, structures, to make

sense, the technicality of things

parched, the clock ticks

the mundane race, the annoying cookie cutter dream

plastered upon all walls, the dissipating will

of a sleep that bring about temporarily relief, 

tomorrow comes, another day

tomorrow ends, an unforgiving nightmare

hello, you said to the dog that greets you

hello you said, counting the numbered hellos

sea of thieves

you were a storm that i desperately wished was a lighthouse
that warm guiding light amidst the waves
yet you were the thunder, the loud rolls, the hurls of spites
you were lightning, your crackling touch that left way too many scars, too many wreckage
a disaster you left at your wake, i was that disaster

i was a ship that wanted harbor, a respite amidst my travel
in people's harbor, I turned away
for fear of the next wreck, the wreck you left in me
the holes you have burnt, my feeble attempts to fix, those desperate ones
the water keep filling, i was drowning before i even learn how to swim

they tried to tie me down, their sweet seduction, their promises of a safe haven
but i was rudderless, my trust were few

you stayed in the eye of storms for too long,
you start to believe you were made for the wild
the raging seas, the unforgiving weather, the unpredictable ruthless waves
you wrapped your heart so tightly, you start making deals with the devil
flameheart please free me from the shackles i have tied upon myself
please drown that ship of mine

a young lad, drunk on his merry way, a stowaway on this titanic
aren't you afraid, of the storms, of the ship driving herself in this iceberg field
that smirk, that cheeky confidence before the reply,
these choppy water, that delicious rum
i will do it all with her

// the bell rang

there it was, she knew it from the very start.
was there no way out of this?
many scenarios, possible conversations, the retorts, the backlash,  how many times has it been dear child? You lost count, of the number of times you swallowed it down, the indignation, the defiance that you try your best to quell. You know you can't afford to win this, so you back down once more, resignation flickering.

you question yourself before, why it was difficult to just listen, be the puppet, be entwined in the strings, made to play the show you were dictated to be in. your reckless soul beat against this regime, you know very well, it is only a matter of time before it all break loose, that's what happened isn't it? When you lose control of rational thoughts, and decided it was best to start following your feelings into things.

Forget the naysayers who tell you no, forgive the people who do you wrong, forgo the dissuaders, they know not better. They meant well, they believe what was best for you, what to stop your heart from breaking, but why was it so hard this time round to be cautious, to shield your heart from pain.

There it was, my sweet summer child. The gate, the gate that you have stared out from your windows, the gate that you have always wished fervently, the gate, the gate. The gate that was always there, run child, run. And never look back.

merging stillness

the dull pulses, the lazy yawn through the sweltering hot air

sweat crisp, dripping over, days stretched on my planner, reminding me we reached summer.

the semblance of normalcy, or our little irregularities during this strange stillness

we paused everything, yet the urge, the rush, the push just doesn't seem to be slowing

if ever, the need for clarity, for some form of semblance become even more urgent, tugging at the sleeves.

breakfast merged to lunch to dinner, naps merged to sleep, morning to dusk, twilight to dawn

pitter patter goes the keys, clittery clack goes my cells, the throb, the need to push past this quicksand that we are all sinking comfortably to. Media consumed, connections are just a few touch away, yet intimacy could not be anymore foreign.

--- 

and there you have it, my little ramblings during this whole entire lockdown. slowly crawling forward to the end of it, there is a sense of anticipation, but as always, my mind start to run, of all the things that may come next. I was supposed to kick ass this year, but somehow it feels like this year is striving to bring down that resolution. HAHAHA 

pizza and a little bit more

it's been raining the past few days and somehow it brought about a comforting respite amidst all these noises.
the past few weeks have brought about many changes, a lot of self reflections and many moments that all seem a little too picturesque.
feels a bit strange but the peace I have felt during January then now seem a little too naive and innocent, like the calm before the storm. But there is a something beautiful about that as well, it reminded me that I was still perfectly capable of making or forging connections that I thought I lost when I finished studies.
sometimes I wonder why I hold myself to such ideals that I am incapable of certain things or forcing myself to ridiculous standards, maybe a justification or some sorts?
-
I climbed onto the sheets, his scent still clung on
It has been awhile since I felt that sense of shelter that came
like a gazelle, drenched by the storms
shivering amidst a warm source
I admit I was greedy
that I found a connection I was not capable of letting go

that warm source
the ripples of laughter
feels strangely homely

I peeked at the window,
is it nigh-time already
time felt like a strange concept
as I stare at your sleeping figure

pregunta por favor

and once again, a month has passed and i feel as if I once again felt like a truck load of information and things have happened.

where do I even begin.. things are starting to slow down at work, which is good because it meant I have more time on my end to figure things out, be it on myself or on the direction I am going for. Which brought me to my next point, felt great to finally take care of myself mentally and starting to put in more effort to take care of the little things too like skincare routine and hair. Man, never thought a day would come where I actually try to figure things out, and honestly it felt pretty good to have a semblance of control, even just a slight one on things. Mental health days have seen me starting to bake again and maybe cook, I'm still trying to figure out how to best incorporate a good cooking diet as well as exercise regime, so I guess these couple of weeks will be more experimental phase as well. It also means I finish this damn wholesome tv show, scrubs, man how did I not notice this during the younger times. Not sure why but these days, having a hard time finishing animes or manga, started leaning more towards show, watched you afterwards, I wasn't sure if it was because I watched such a damn wholesome show that you just feel so unsettling, dark and toxic. HAHAHA I also loan a friend one of my favourite book, wasn't sure whether is it cause i outgrew the usual damsel in distress and toxic relations, but these days feel really unsettling, that any form of toxicity just feel a little tad too much

-
trembling fingers, shaking breaths
you undo my buttons, one by one
is this right, is this right
that deafening alarm bells
or were they warning signs

that cool touch, the quiet caress
that lonesome shadow, peeled on the window
nothing was shared, yet attachment grew
that pesky sunlight, that reminder
that our nights have ended, and so have our ties

once more, one more text
a fumbling rush, an intoxication mistake
strewn words, messily stitched
the silent rebel, the reckless pecks

the swallowing silence
the ache. the ache.

lightning;

my goodness, what happened to my optimism just a month ago.

made more reconnections this year and it honestly felt good to catch up on all the friends I kind of missed out on while I was clearing myself out. So many times I thought fear would get the better of me but i think it might have been also due to a stronger foundation that I build last year to fall back on that it didn't feel as bad as I thought it would be. It could just be the whole new year new me shiz but somehow it just feels really warm to see that there are still familiar faces among this path I'm trudging.

just ended a pretty major event at company, and ugh no matter how many times I said i wont go back to events, here i am still doing events. Though admittedly there was really a lot of things that I could have done better, but I broke down lesser and self blaming got a little less intense and frequent as well. Ahaha to think it took me so long to get over camp failures last time. Definitely still feeling the after effects nevertheless but I think as always hearing the feedbacks help me realign myself a little in terms of reproach and how I can do better.

started putting in place a few of the goals but ack still not getting there but I guess, as always learning to take more things in stride and give myself a little breathing space. a little mini achievement on confronting boundaries as well when people step over it instead of letting it slide as well as really just being vulnerable and honest as much as possible. it's funny though that it got a little more easier when things are casual than when I have to fret over the little nuances of life and navigating those.
--
flickering of lights, that 3 am long night. you sat beside me, on that wooden bench. I remember it clearly, how everything just felt deafening quiet. How my heart throbs so badly, and I fear that you would hear, how much I was screaming. It was that particular night that I broke, I tore apart everything, and I just stay there breaking. No will to move forward, just the sense of crumbled defeat.

it was that 3 am long night where I stayed more afraid of the silence, more fearful of being understood than anything else. Perhaps it was me, that I wanted the pain and maybe it was because it was you as well. That I don't want this, whatever this was to go any further. It made no sense, the loud coursing of thoughts in my head, as I just sat there, beside you, wishing badly to stay at that time fragment and still knowing fully well that dangerous comfort will one day, slit whatever that ties us together.

it was that 3am night, that I came back with lightning streaks and that never-ending downpour.
--

Forged Path

ah where do I even begin with 2019;

A flurry of events have happened since the last time I posted. There has been such a rough journey of self discovery again and really just sitting my ass down to figuring out where do I go from here and what do I really want.

To start off, pole became such a big part of my 2019. I honestly can't believe that I used to hate pole so much HAHAHA and the fact that I am still poling for a year. It felt really good to be able to sustain a hobby among the numerous things that I picked up along the way. I think beside the fact that pole really built up strength and confidence, the community itself also makes me really grateful. I met people that really open up my world views on things and that are willing to bare their vulnerabilities with. Of course, not to forget, pole also drew me closer to Bianca and I am thankful for the many moments of rants and so many moments where she just chided me on my injuries (man, it reminded me of the times where I used to do the same thing and scold my ex for continuing practice in spite of injuries) Ah the double standards.

Travel. I think I bust my wallet this year for the numerous travels I did. I am glad that I stepped out of my comfort zone and really went out there to see the world. Okay la not so dramatic but this is the first time, I actually travelled with friends. Put my hands down on the number of times I got let down by people and not being able to go oversea. Though there were really a lot of hiccups but I have never been more glad that this was the year that I ended up checking that off my bucket list. Went Vietnam with my colleagues and then had a getaway with choorows followed by the much anticipated Japan trip. In spite of the unfortunate events that happened here and there, man it really felt like a life-changer for me.

It was such a terrifying year as well being single. I guess I have always relied on my partner to confide in and talk to that when the moment that was gone, it was pretty ooofed moment for me having to readjust so many things. It felt strange to have to manage my own expectations and admittedly, I could have definitely done a better job of taking care of myself AHAHA throwback to so many moments I just broke down, be it in the public toilet, MRT trains, office, pole showcase night etc. There were really a lot of moments I thought this was it, I am never getting out of my depression, it was such a messy journey of so many downward spirals, so many times I just keep overthinking, keep pushing myself more and more to a corner, thinking I could handle it and so many times I realise I couldn't handle it. And when I finally gave myself a breather, I also started tiny steps towards healing as well. I don't think I am quite at peace at myself yet and opening up to people is still a bitch but it really felt like pacing myself is getting easier, especially starting from not lying when I'm not okay.

Reconnections happened this year. I had no idea the numerous curve balls that happened and it felt like I always have to recheck back on myself. I definitely change and there was always that hesitation that what if I do not like the person I am changing to or that the daphne that I know, her core values and beliefs are no more? Many reflections on reforged friendships and also, this was also the year I cut away toxic friendships as well. I started focusing more on downtime for myself and not as much on trying to counsel people or trying to meet them. I don't think I will ever be rid of my saviour complex, but sometimes I forgot that I need a little saving on my own as well. And I was telling my friend this that while there may never be a knight in shining armour to save you, you don't have to be the one to save yourself, Just don't be the damsel in distress in the first place HAHAHA, such a refreshing thought.

 2019 you have been such an enlightening year of truth and heartaches and I am just so bloody grateful for the people that made all the difference. Thank you 2019 for everything and even though I dreaded going into it due to so many unknowns and fumbling around in the darkness, I'm glad I came out stronger from it.

2020. time to kick your ass.

flickering thoughts

it's been a fateful year since well, the event I did happened. technically one more week to go but then the event happened this weekend so.. ahahah.
it brought back this twisting dark swirl. of the amount of pain, sweat and tears that came from putting up a good event, and how much I just keep struggling on
being okay and being strong. Even when it was so hard to continue, I felt like I had to give it my best shot and even then, I told myself that I always had
someone waiting for me back in hall to rely on. But even then that fell apart.

it's so strange isn't it.
in the midst of loving you, i ended up letting you go.

strange i never thought a year could pass just like that
and this time, with you not at my side anymore.
honestly some nights are a little harder.
but I guess it also showed
that the heart was capable of loving after all.
even after all that has happened.

;among the crowd

pole showcase just ended awhile back and i'm still feeling the effects from it.
perhaps it was from this great yearning to perform once through dance and the amount of sheer time/efforts spend just making sure everything is okay, I'm just really glad we pulled it off albeit the minor hiccups. (or major if i'm being a bitch to myself)

reminded me of the times back in cheer, where ego is such a real thing. I realise that when I started doing pole, it is just the same. Whether to execute a difficult stunt or just downgrade it to something simpler, man, my pride always rule.

somehow a part of me couldn't invite anyone for showcase, maybe i guess there was so much worry and insecurities of it not turning out well or that my fat rolls will start coming out ahahah, I am still utterly self conscious of my body. A part i guess was because it still hurts I guess, that the person who first accompanied me to my first ever pole trial, would never be able to see it, and to replace that, feels utterly painful. Call it a fool's wish, but it's just something I wasn't able to let go at all. And then seeing everyone with someone to watch them, or to cheer for, it just destroyed me there, how much i just keep putting my emotions on a backend and how much it keeps biting me back at my ass.

but i guess, knowing he is happy now, i guess that is enough for me.
--

該說的 別說了
你懂得 就夠了
真的有 某一種悲哀
連淚也不能流
只能 目送
我最大的遺憾
是你的遺憾 與我有關
沒有句點 已經很完美了
何必誤會 故事 沒說完

還能做什麼呢
我連 傷感 都是 奢侈的
我一想念 你就那麼近
但終究 你都不能
陪我到 回不去的 遠方

我感覺到幸福
是看見你幸福
曾經親手把時間變慢
可惜我們 沒有等 我們

;

I wanted you to be there when I fall
I wanted you to see me through it all
I wanted you to be the one I loved
I wanted you, I wanted you

I wanted you to hold me in my sleep
I wanted you to show me what I need
I wanted you to know just how down deep
I wanted you, I wanted you

goodbye raven

was it stupidity or just a childish hope?
-
it felt like a final note to seeing you guys. 24 men team. It was something that you guys fought for, over and over again.
and this time, you guys made it.
I debated for a long time whether i should go, whether I should just leave it all behind.
but I guess a part of me still earnestly want to be there, to see it, one last time.
-
yet perhaps I wasn't ready,
wasn't ready for all the hurt that follow
of people judging me, for being the cause of the heartbreak
or for the accusation that I left you for someone else, or that I'm already full fledged dating again.
-
in that midst of the crowd, with a blown out panic attack,
or tears that threaten to spill.
i dont regret going. I dont regret being there seeing the progress all these years.
i dont regret cheer.
---

in the crown of thorns,
i enthrone us
the knifes i hurl at myself
the wounds i keep picking
as I spiral once more
with blood trickling.

maybe it's because ravens belong to the sky
while I belong to my solitude.

melted popsicles

like a wrenching blow to the gut,
it's been almost half a year since we last spoke, yet it felt like
this pain is a fresh one each time.

i once thought it will get easier over time.
but it seems like time only made it harder to get over you.

tell me. are you doing well. and if you have, have you move on from me.